EVACUATE! EVACUATE!

The hubby came home the other night with his company’s new evacuation plan. Brand spanking new, updated and tweaked following consideration of “lessons learnt” from the last fiasco. Whomever compiled it must be living in some parallel universe that I’m not aware of, they sure as hell aren’t living in the Egypt I Know. As to why we may need an evacuation plan and for any of you who have been living in a bubble here is what it’s all about

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Basically this campaign called Tamarod or Rebel wants President Morsi to go, they claim to have millions of signatures which they plan to use to oust him, not exactly sure how they are going to do that, not so sure they know either, I’m not convinced planning ahead is an Egyptian strong point. These forms are every where, I couldn’t sign you have to be an Egyptian, but look even the police are at it

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Before I regale you with the inherent flaws in the plan I should state that I have no bloody intention of going anywhere. I will be staying put in Maadi, most probably in the BCA or the ACE Club, probably a little combination of both. Within these little expat oasis I shall find solace, drown my sorrows, listen and contribute to conversations regarding the state of the nation, yes basically talk crap with other like minded souls.

Back to the plan, it started off rather well, upon receiving a phone call from the “Marshal” you and your family should move to the JW Marriott beside the airport. They had even considered the eventuality of the mobile phone services being cut again and had collated everyone’s landline numbers. After that it completely fell to pieces….

Once everyone is assembled in the Marriott and the Marshal considers there is a need to evacuate then we…….hold on hold on, some employees had questions. Do we have rooms booked in the Hotel? No, no we will just meet in the lobby, but how long do we have to wait in the lobby? Until the Marshal decides its time to evacuate. But that could be days no?……….see what I mean about planning.

Three methods of evacuation are available, by land, Sea and Air states the plan. By using the land route you will drive to Suez, go through the tunnel to Sinai and drive to Taba, then cross into Israel……There are a few fundamental flaws in this….

The Government has announced the tunnel will be closed being a major one….perhaps they have arranged a ferry to take us and the car across, oh no silly me the government has announced the Suez Canal will be closed to all shipping. Do these people not read the news! Let’s assume we are whisked across by helicopter, car hanging below in some cradle attachment type thing. Easy peasy from there then?

Eh well no not really, here’s the travel warning for Egypts Sinai,

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you see that big red bit at the top which corresponds to the “Do Not Travel” warning, well that’s the way they want us to go. Assuming we make our way to Taba, we have to pass the Bedouin and Jihadists with out being kidnapped or carjacked , or quite possibly even shot……this travel warning is there for a reason and I can’t see any of the Embassies doing anything much if we ignore it. What exactly we would do in Israel was not clarified either……

Plan B is by sea from Suez, fundamental flaw here too…..Suez only carries Cargo not passengers. I googled “Suez Passenger Ferry ” I discovered that vital piece of information in about 2 seconds, such a lot of research has gone into this “plan”. Whilst I was at it I thought I would google Alexandria, and Port Said here’s what I got

“Alexandria and Port Said on the Mediterranean Sea, and Suez and Nuweiba on the Red Sea are ports of entry for visitors, but as a result of political unrest in the Middle East we have suspended our ferry booking service to Egypt. Please check with your travel agent or directly with the following operators for available ferry travel from Europe to Egypt:”

Guess those options are out the window too………..

Plan C by Air, this one obviously would be the preferred route, except some people had questions on this one too. Where will we be flying to, being the most obvious. Dubai of course was the answer, bit of a bummer considering various nationalities require visas for Dubai. Now I’m not saying the organisers of the “plan” are incompetent but knowing the nationalities of your employees, most of which have been here for years is most definitely a prerequisite before deciding where you may send them. Apparently visas are now being requested from the various embassies.

According to the plan we make our way to the airport, go to the check-in counter and ask for a ticket to Dubai. There you go, and that’s about the height of it. Never mind the fact that all the flights are fully booked, that the oil companies have reserved all possible seats for their employees should they need them. Oh and having possibly spent a few smelly days and nights in the lobby of the Marriott we will probably have to do the same in the airport. That is off course should we even manage to get into the airport past the queues of people who actually effing have tickets.

A rather senior employee, a director in fact, partner of my book club buddy apparently got rather enraged at this stage of proceedings and demanded that they basically catch themselves on and charter a plane, quite right too. Last time we managed to piggy back on one chartered by a sister company who actually appear to have a functioning HR department, I’m thinking that no matter what our “plan” may be quite a few employees will jump on board their plane this time too.

The best part, for me anyway, was a little innocuous line that stated….Pack a small bag with enough for two days and your luggage will follow within 48hours….yeah right. Follow where? Who is going to collect our luggage from our homes, are they going to charter a plane or helicopter to deliver it to where ever we end up, oh and while we are at it will they bring our dogs, cats and assorted menagerie of animals too? What will these animals do in the meantime whilst we are camped out in the Marriott lobby. Bearing in mind that Egyptians have an inherent fear of dogs and they are considered Haram in Islam I can’t see them being a priority.

Following the meeting to discuss the plan, which obviously didn’t pan out too well our drivers were called the next day to another meeting to let them know what their responsibilities are. Whomever devised our “plan” is most definitely not in contact with the whomever devised the drivers plan. According to my driver we are to leave with one large bottle of water only. No bags, and our drivers are to be perched outside our home on Saturday morning awaiting the call to Evacuate, Evacuate. they received no instructions regarding the 48 hour luggage delivery either.

Since I have no intention of going anywhere or putting myself through the Marriott experience, nor the helicopter and Sinai experience I have told my driver Hossam to have a lie in. I am however unintentionally prepared. My sons birthday is this weekend and he is having a “uniform” theme. Quite easily, and in fact rather scarily I nipped out and managed to get him an Egyptian police mans outfit no problem at all. I went for the all white summer version, epaulettes, cap, badges, even a holster for his gun. Our driver is delivering the gun tonight and I’m rather excited because of course as its Egypt it will most probably be a real one, apparently he has a friend who supplies this type of accessory and he is bringing me a taser too.

If it all goes pear shaped I will station him outside in full uniform, although as his hair is red at the moment he may not be completely convincing. I shall then follow the proceedings on twitter and if the power goes out nip down to the ACE for some liquid refreshment, which to me is an altogether better “plan”

UPDATE

It appears someone in our fabulous HR department has realised the Suez tunnel will be closed therefore making our exit by land to Israel via Taba rather difficult. They have updated our route accordingly and we are now to exit Egypt through the border with Libya…….WTF. Here is the travel advice for Libya

The FCO advise against all but essential travel to Tripoli, Zuwara, Az Zawiya, al Khums, Zlitan and Misrata, and to the coastal towns from Ras Lanuf to the Egyptian Border, with the exception of Benghazi. The FCO advise against all travel to all other parts of Libya, including Benghazi.

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Looks like we will be needing that helicopter again, no scratch that personally I would prefer a Tardis, evacuating by Tardis makes much more sense than this bloody plan.

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Back to Basics

We all like a good whine now and again and I’m no exception. Ive just read my last couple of blogs and they’re way too happy cheery, I don’t want you all getting the wrong impression and imagining I’m a happy smily type individual cos I’m not. I can moan with the best off them, so it’s back to basics and time to purge on those twats who are meant to be running this bloody country.

I don’t know whether to start with the nude ballet dancers, the porn stars in Hurghada or just launch straight in with the complete numptys who make up the government. Stuff it, the numptys it is. They aired live on TV a debate concerning the Ethiopians decision to divert a tributary of the Nile to build a dam. (you know like planning ahead so they can meet electricity demands, don’t get me started on that one) Apparently the esteemed members, yes members, I’m being as polite as I can….think about it……. didn’t know it was being filmed……generally the big cameras are a hint but hey maybe they thought Morsi was shooting footage for himself, you know like you do for an 6 year olds birthday.

Well, a 6 year olds birthday party is what it resembled. Picture a bunch of middle aged men with paunches high on …….probably sugar, let’s be honest too much tea, cake and BeBsi, planning to overthrow an arch enemy rather in the style of 6 year olds with a James Bond fetish. Their suggestions included spreading rumours Egypt was buying military planes to “put pressure on Ethiopia” what??? like the heaps of F16 fighter jets they have from the USA don’t count.

Other suggestions included sending political, military and intelligence teams, intelligence? yeah good luck with that one to liaise with the rebels. In true Egyptian style they would be late, miss the meeting with their contact, nip out for a shisha, trip on their flip flops, apply a massive bandage, cos they don’t do pain and then head off for a nap, generally forgetting why they had come. Oh and obviously it wouldn’t be their fault, no their wife would have forgotten to wake them or some such other nonsense. I can picture the covert mission set to an Amr Diab sound track, there would have to be “Habibi” some where in the title. Moving swiftly on….

An 8 year old video of Morsi surfaced showing him talking about dancing being banned in Islam and not being compliant with Sharia, well, if that means I no longer have to suffer the sight of Egyptian men dancing with other men in the street after football matches, and at weddings I’m all for it. Never, I repeat never have I witnessed such uncoordinated displays of what can only be described as epileptics on steroids. (apologies to all epileptics) the sequence of events that followed I am assured have no relation to each other…..the culture minister was sacked, the opera house went on strike and the Nour party jumped on board and stated that Ballet was “the art of nudes” and that it “spread immorality and obscenity to the people”

We had this naked thing before when Morsi was in Germany, remember that Gaff when he talked about women running naked in the street. Well they don’t mean actually naked like you and me think, you know no clothes and all that. No, what they actually mean is a female without the abaya and hijab, so I, and I’m sure lots of you are strolling downtown Cairo naked everyday. Funny how the men in shorts and T-shirts aren’t naked eh…even the salafi men aren’t adverse to displaying a finely turned ankle, usually accompanied with black curling toenails it has to be said.

On to the porn stars, now where do I start. Phew, well basically they arrested about a dozen Georgian tourists for filming on the beach. It was basically a swimwear photoshoot but again I suppose in the police men’s minds they were naked if you follow the logic above. Just picture, 40+ degree heat, a beach, tourists, WTF were they thinking running about in bikinis and swimsuits getting their hair wet, I imagine they were even laughing, messing about in the sand, maybe even rubbing sun cream into each other, scandalous!! Obviously they weren’t behaving appropriately for the location. They should have been fully clothed sitting under umbrellas and consuming enough cakes and fizzy drinks to sustain their weight gain programme and speed up their type 2 diabetes diagnosis.

I’m going to post this now, not because I’ve proof read it or anything but purely because the electricity is working and I really need to go dry my hair before I nip off to book club tonight. I may have to have a little tipple too as the ice is melting and I don’t want to waste it.

Masalama, Slainte!