Birds Bearded Boobs..

I’m wondering what pearls of wisdom our esteemed leaders will come out with today…….their primary focus this last week has been on boobs, how clean they are, how to enlarge them (mud apparently) perhaps its time to move on to some penis enhancement tips.

I’m having a flashback to Morsi fiddling with his tackle whilst in the company of the Australian first lady. Maybe he had his mud pack on “down below” and the studio lights were wrecking havoc with its consistency, that brownish stain on his trousers may not have been what you first thought.

I read somewhere that a Rhinos horn is predominantly made up of matted hair, do you think over time that the salafis beards will go this way? Perhaps they will offer some advice on beard care, a vitally important item on the agenda, after all now that the police can grow their beards we don’t want them looking like some genetically modified unicorns.

It’s good to see them getting their priorities sorted, so far this week they have addressed the major issue of the import of exotic birds, the price of dog food, and of course they have decided to issue all the police with handguns. I have no idea who sets the agenda but I do know the police won’t be happy. How are they going to sleep on duty now that they have no rifle to prop up their chin with, hand guns just won’t cut it.

I think us expats should form a lobbying party so that they don’t overlook our concerns. OPI, the nail polish brand is suffering from a decline in quality, I fear there may be copy cats at work that have infiltrated the supply chain, when will this be addressed? Personal care seems to be high on their agenda so I think we could be on to a winner if we hit them hard with this cause.

Other concerns I have surround the proliferation of Spongebob Squarepants merchandise. The colours are too garish and offend my sensibilities, he also has a passing resemblance to Mr President. The new law enshrined in the constitution allows for prosecution on the grounds of “insulting the president” I’m sure we could run with it on these grounds and earn ourselves some brownie points too. 

They are going to introduce a “smart card” system in July to ration the subsidised fuel,  I fear this will be open to abuse. We should ask them to clarify how much Baksheeh (bribe) is appropriate to pay for one on the black market. Ideally if they could clarify how much to pay the police for an authentic version, and how much to pay the counterfeiters for their version. 

I think that’s enough to be getting along with, we don’t want to overburden them. They do after all have other lobbying groups to deal with, the IMF, the Human Rights people, the freedom of the press people, the women’s rights people, the sexual harassment people amongst others. Obviously these groups concerns are trivial compared to beards and boobs…..priorities eh?

 

Azza Fahmy Here I Come!

I just burnt my bum while smoking on the loo….bad habit I know. That was my second run in with pyrotechnics this week as I managed to set my shirt tails on fire whilst lovingly preparing the dinner for the hubby the other night. I was cooking by candle light, not for any romantic reasons, nor valentine related, simply because the electric was of again, yes again. They say things come in threes so I’d steer clear of me for a while.

In fact, I would recommend avoiding my company for at least 24 hours, I am feeling rather combustible, not just in the fiery sense (yes pun intended) it must be the hormones playing up but my patience thresh-hold has been significantly reduced. So, in an effort to “look on the bright side” I have been trying to think of things I would really miss about Egypt should we have to move on.

What things would I like to take with me should I have to return to Portadown? First off, and top of my list, would have to be the Bowab (doorman) He is indispensable, he is a general carrier upper of heavy things, car washer, tradesman filter’er outer, I know those aren’t real words, I’ve had to turn the spell check off, but you get my drift.

I’m not sure how he would fit in, in Portadown, galebaya, flip flops and all but I would be willing to give it a shot. Do you think it would be ok to let him sit out on the street with his camp fire and tea making equipment? I should probably put my foot down with regards to the shisha as its difficult to be sure exactly of the contents. On a positive note when he smokes it he seems to smile a lot and you get to see his fabulous teeth.

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Now what else would I miss? I think I would miss the freedom. Now that may sound a little weird but here is how I’m defining freedom. It’s the ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want. Ok I know there are bunch of perverts roaming the streets here and you do need to have some self defence gadgets to hand (I’m currently waiting on my new taser, I’m very excited. We could have bought a gun last week in Alexandria but I’ve already explained my dodgy eyesight so we gave that a by ball) sorry back to the freedom thingy.

Yes, just doing whatever the hell you like. I would definitely miss double parking if I can’t get close enough to the hairdressers, cash machine, or shops. I would definitely miss just stopping the car if I’ve missed the turn and reversing back up the one way street, oh and driving at whatever speed you feel like doing, no consequences. I would definitely miss our driver Hossam who is a wee dote, well, except for when he is being a prat.

I would miss ringing the off licence for home delivery if you’re caught short at a party. Apparently you can now have a gas mask home delivered too if your heading out to the protests. I’ve got to give that a try, I will get back to you once I’ve checked it out. Some shops are offering reductions on fire extinguishers if bought in conjunction with a gas mask, yeah I think I should go for it, I could always use the gas mask after the hubby has had a particularly good Indian.

I would miss nipping of for the weekend to Dahab or Sharm, taking photographs of all the ridiculous sights you see along the way. I would miss reading about Egyptian politics each morning. I would miss wetting myself laughing at the ridiculous excuses they give, the mind boggling stupid ideas, decrees, fatwas, and bans they issue. The latest is they’ve banned YouTube….I’m not even going to go there.

My mood is already starting to lift, I’ve got a Felucca ride this afternoon, the Ace club tonight and by then the hubby and the rest of the Cairo Rugby team should be back from their game in Alexandria. I’m off now to potter about in the garden in a delightful 22 degrees with my new trowel and fork that i got as a valentines day present………

Something not quite right about gardening tools for valentines……I know they say “give a man a fish you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish you feed him for a lifetime” but i think in this instance Pete’s “teach a woman to garden” is a step too far, does he really expect me to grow my own flowers from now on? He didn’t get me any, not even a card, so maybe there’s a clue in that.

I was going well there, had managed to give myself a little lift, now I’m feeling rather sorry for myself over the gardening thingies….stuff it, he has left his bank card behind, I’m off to the shops, no point trying to be cheerful, revenge is far sweeter, Azza Fahmy here I come.

What A Boob..

What a boob….

I’ve just spent the last few days perusing the local papers and social media to get a feel for what’s really going on in Cairo. I managed to avoid the revolution anniversary protests entirely as I shipped out to Beirut for a bit of pork, alcohol and money laundering, time well spent I might add.

Starting with our prime minister, Kandil, well he addressed the nation a day or two ago, tackling those vitally important issues that would hopefully quell the protests…..and I quote
“Egyptian women need to clean their breasts better to prevent disease transmission to children”
so there you go, some cotton wool ladies with a dab or two of Dettol appears to be answer to egypts problems. Apparently dirty boobs are the main cause of diarrhoea in Egypt. I shall be having words with the hubby as I have been concerned for sometime regarding his Bowel movements….many thanks to @Hragy for this cartoon, at least I hope it’s a cartoon…..

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Meanwhile the first lady, nipped on a private jet and headed of to the seaside resort of Taba, at an estimated cost of $6000 per hour……$6000 equates to the yearly salary of an egyptian bank employee, thats a pretty good job, or put another way a trainee doctor/intern at a state hospital would have to work 13 years to earn one hours airfare…….although if you are still an intern after 13 years that opens a whole other can of worms. So, when you see the protesters, some of them young doctors and the like, and hear the calls for them to go back to work (that is if they have a job) just bear in mind everyday they miss work they are missing out on …….£0.80 GBP, yip that’s their DAILY rate.

Rumour has it, and this is not confirmed, hence my procrastination, but this Taba get-together was a little soirée for the Muslim brotherhood ladies to arrange the engagement of the aforementioned prime ministers daughter to president Morsi’s son. Considering Morsi already has family links with a significant number of the Muslim brotherhood hierarchy perhaps they should consider a little rebranding, how does the “Muslim Nepotismhood sound or maybe “Muslim jobs for the boys in da hood”…….maybe that’s a little long, how about just #TheHoods….that hash tag may be lost on my non-Irish readers but suffice to say its not a form of endearment.

Egypt is undergoing a food crisis, supply simply cannot keep up with demand, and obviously the economy is in no shape to step up imports. According to @psypherize “the ministry of housing has an electronic board stating that the population is 83,871,675″ and growing at a rate of 1million every 9months or so. In an effort to tackle this problem and show the public they have a plan in place to address this serious issue the government has advised the people, wait for it …….”not to over eat” Perhaps President Morsi should set an example by ceasing to appear on state TV shovelling vast quantities of food into his gob with his spoon (a particularly graphic display of indulgence last Eid) He did it rather in the manner of an engine stoker on a steam train, although anything is better than watching him adjust his crown jewels.

This fixation with Boobs and boys bits leads me to think that perhaps I should start a thesis. I could do some research into the correlation of the state of Egyptian politics, and the number of times that politicians can distract us by talking about boobs and jiggling things in their trousers. I’m sure I could get a grant from somewhere all I need is a working title to make my pitch. I’m thinking of something along the lines of “Tit-illating hypotheses as a methodology for dissemination” if I was a little smarter, or watched more episodes of the “big bang theory” I could come up with something much catchier, your suggestions are welcome!