Blackmail & Thongs

There is only so much a girl can do, its terribly difficult at times, but, having said that, I do have the “Help” to assist me. Copious amounts of wine i find is an excellent helper and then there are those legions of people whom, if you pay appropriate amounts to, do what you ask. Well, not quite what you ask, it is Egypt, but close enough. It really depends on the amount of wine consumed as to whether i judge it to be close enough, well the wine is only one factor, how the hormones are behaving at my time of life is also significant and can greatly impact the outcome.

Apologies to the hubby for having to put up with me these past couple of weeks, but really, delivering 70 floral table centres in a taxi, yes a bloody taxi, in 43 degree heat with two life size arrangements tied to the roof as they hurtled down the ring road didn’t do anything for the quality of their presentation. Oh, and the fact they arrived an hour late didn’t help. So the little hissy fit I threw was entirely justified. The hubby had nothing to do with the floral delivery, he just happened to be in earshot. I really do need to work on my Arabic cursing skills, at the moment it’s still too basic for my liking but my hand gestures have improved significantly.

I was left stunned, exasperated, embarrassed, shocked and dismayed by the outrageous Shenanigans last Friday night. I was aiming for an exclusive classy event and had set it up to be the Cairo Expat Society highlight of the summer season, you know kinda posh. We had the Opera House string Quartet, Ahmed Harfoush (you don’t get classier than him) the Riff band, Mena House as the venue, all set at the foot of the pyramids,……….Where did it all go wrong?

The guest list, thats where……………….who would have thought I would be spending this morning distributing lost property. Not just any lost property, no, returning the the leopard skin thong…. to a certain golf pro was not what I had on the agenda. Nor was acting as Prince charming to the Cinderella who obviously must have hobbled home in her one black patent shoe. The fact these items were actually claimed amazed me, and in the case of the thong I had two enquiries……don’t ask, one rather disappointed guest is all I can say. The golf pro has photographic evidence to back up his claim, I only looked you understand on the grounds of thoroughly investigating his claim, and no I won’t post the picture. However, the unsuccessful applicant was on my table, yes I know scandalous but he does suffer from an affliction. His more kindly friends call him “Tourette’s”

Moving swiftly along a certain Gentleman whom I will call by the alias of “sideshow” outdid even himself. Having been invited back to my room, sorry suite, for post event drinkies, yeah like we really needed more, he got rather waylaid. I should say at this point that there were other guests too including my husband and “sideshows wife” amongst our select little group, we even had a doctor, just in case any of you are picturing a secret rendezvous. Sideshows wife was mentioned in my previous blog, she is now commonly known as the “spanx” lady, and I have to say they worked a treat she looked simply fabulous on the night. It’s a pity she only managed to keep her shoes on for about 10 minutes but at least she remembered to take them home!

Back to sideshow, in between the invitation and him dropping off his cool bag our room number slipped his mind…..he did say he checked at reception and they told him no such number existed. They redirected him to a different room, well so he says I have no way of verifying this. Suffice to say he never got to our room but the residents of the room directly below ours, (probably best I don’t mention that room number) had they opened their eyes, would have been rather surprised to find a large gentleman in a cow print Blazer and Fez in their bedroom, vodka bottle in hand asking if this was where the party was!

Blackmail was in evidence too, I must say the hubby was the main instigator in this. If you are tuning in to Nile FMs Big Drive Home and notice a subtle shift in the music style just around 5:30 -6pm, lets say a little Ska, some tunes from the Specials etc. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the DJ, Mr G is partial to Petes Turbo Cider. He gave him his last bottle without any preconditions at all…..what I will say is that it’s a good job Mr Barry is home around this time as having watched his dancing it would be dangerous if he was driving and Petes tunes came on. I now understand his penchant for Fred Perry polo Shirts.

Finally, some people just make your night, the ever so suave Mr Broken D, along with his stunning girlfriend H really should mind what they say. Telling everyone poolside about the shocked concierge had us all in fits into our Bloody Mary’s. They were for medicinal purposes I swear, although on reflection I think that may have been the morning before the ball…..hmmm yes maybe we started a tad early. Anyway telling the tale of the shocked doorman who thought Broken D was the stunning H’s father …….yes he actually said it, and voiced his concerns about them sharing the kingsize bed…….. whilst extremely flattering to H does leave us wondering if Broken had a hard paper round.,,,,,,I could go on and on but really there was just too much for one posting, I would need a book to fit it all in, maybe that’s what I’ll do, yip think I will, title suggestions welcome.

Masalama, Slainte, until the next time.

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Oh My…..

The trials and tribulations of an expat wife are never ending. It was only last night at book club, G&T in hand, we were discussing the hectic social season that comes along at this time of year. Everyone’s nerves, certainly within my esteemed social circle, and it is obviously a rather posh social circle, are starting to get a little frazzled.

Diaries are crowded with end of year parties, farewell soiree’s and various fundraisers which obviously increase the need for Manicures, pedicures, facials and the odd massage too, never mind trying to fit in the extra hair appointments. Our host Alison last night had to serve frozen margaritas as the aperitif just to take the edge off.

Fortunately we have the maids, gardeners and drivers to assist us through this difficult time. I for one find managing the staff an altogether alarming experience. Do you let them sort your knicker drawer? I like mine colour co-ordinated but it is rather chancy if you have invested in “Spanx” and are relying on their rather nimble fingers not taking a fancy to what is in effect a necessity for us girls the coming season.

One lady, Chris, even flew to Dubai to purchase some “Spanx” (those extra strong holder inner knickers for the gentlemen readers) this lady had a cover story of her daughter going to see Justin Beiber…..but we know that was just for the benefit of the hubby. She says she didn’t go to the concert but I don’t ” Belieber”

This time last year it all got too much for me, I do believe I had a little swoon, not as a result of too much wine you understand, but just with regards to the thought that I may have to wear a dress to the Ball that I had worn previously, scary I know. Another Lady, Aine, I do believe I have mentioned her before, also had a swoon. Hers was as a result of becoming trapped in a tent. Well I say…

She regaled us with the story of how events unfolded and the general consensus was that “camping” is an altogether common activity that no expat wife should be subjected to. There is a member of our little group who is rather fond of this camping Malarky but Annabel is sooooo posh that we allow her the eccentricities that only proper toffs like her can carry off…….

Back to the the upcoming social calendar. I feel I should mention that the gentlemen feel the strain too. The tailor on road 9 is under a lot of pressure to outfit them appropriately. My hubby, the aforementioned Chris’s hubby and another lady Charlottes hubby have been dashing in and out with material for their dinner jackets, fittings and goodness knows what else, just to ensure they make a proper entrance.

I should mention that Charlotte is not a member of the book club but she is exceptionally posh. If truth be told she may well in fact be too posh for us……. a little like Annabel she also has those eccentricities that only the truly well bred can carry off. She has a penchant for wigs and fancy dress, second only to her hubby Mark who made a rather dashing appearance at our St Patricks day soirĂ©e in lederhosen……. oh My

Tally ho for now, I can’t be wittering away here with so much to do. I’m off to book my appointments for the coming weekends festivities. I can’t decide which colour to have my nails and it’s causing a panic in the wardrobe department. If I go for shocking pink it will clash with my serving platters on Friday, not that I will be serving obviously, there are staff for that, but it would look fabulous with a cocktail dress I have set aside for the event.

If I go for a burnt orange manicure it will compliment my evening attire for Thursday, but clash come Friday…..oh decisions, decisions….perhaps if I have a glass of vino with my lunch it will help me decide. What I really need is an on tap dispenser to help with decision making, here’s one recommended by Debbie, now I wonder do they deliver???

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