Pesky Pete…

That husband of mine, Pesky Pete, would need to seriously buck up his ideas. We had a deal and there will be consequences………I think i told you before about moving to our new apartment, upon inspecting the kitchen he was devastated to see there was no room for his beer fridge. After some gentle persuasion, and probably one too many glasses of wine, I reluctantly agreed to the removal of the dishwasher to allow the beer fridge to be installed, with conditions attached of course.

The conditions required him to wash the dishes of an evening, but 3 months later and things are beginning to slide.  He is shirking his responsibilities, and I put it down to two factors. First and foremost is his best buddy Sideshow Bob. This is the man who newly arrived in Cairo purchased  a monkey on his way home from the ACE club, yes a real MONKEY.  He named it little MJ in honor of Michael Jackson but thats beside the point, and rather discomforting to think about…

 I’m not sure what he imbibed in the ACE club that made this seem like a good idea but suffice to say his wife Chris (not her real name obviously poor soul) had rather different views when he arrived home at 2am and despatched him immediately to return it, once they caught it that is…..I’ve had some people question whether this is an urban myth, but no, it’s true, backed up by big Mo the estate agent ( yes the tall good looking one and captain of Cairo Rugby) He had the owner of the apartment call him to request the removal of the monkey and/or possibly his tenants too.

This brings me to the second factor that is distracting Pesky from his husbandly duties. RUGBY. I shall say it again RUGBY. Now those of you who know me are aware that I have been a rugby widow for years. I have accepted this fact unconditionally but last night took the biscuit. 

Whilst waiting on the kettle to boil to wash the dishes, don’t ask, it’s Egypt and I am grateful that they plumbed the hot water to the shower, but would it really have been that difficult to connect the kitchen sink too? Never mind, whilst waiting on the kettle Pesky Skyped our son for a little chat. In theory this was to confirm flight dates for Christmas etc which took all of two seconds, but the following hour and a half concerned the team selection for Fridays game.( We are playing Alex Warriors 2:30 Olympic Stadium,  Maadi, free admittance, bring the kids, sorry had to get that little plug in) see, totally brainwashed, needless to say the dishes were still sitting this morning……

So….we have Sideshow Bob distracting my poor Pesky, generally with phone calls, emails, and texts. Vitally important stuff it should be said, joke of the day, videos with people falling over, oh and the best one, what are you wearing to such and such??? WTF they even have matching white suits, adidas trainers and are aiming for matching Fred Perry polo shirts, that one is still in the pipeline, but it may well be sorted next week in Dubai where we are all heading for yet more RUGBY.

I guess I should be thankful that we have had a couple of cry offs, the Exorcist will not be gracing us with her presence this year, after last weekend that’s probably a good thing  well for my liver anyway, but I’ll miss you Hun. Fabulous name don’t you think, The Exorcist, she won’t leave your house until all the “Spirits” are gone, well the Smirnoff anyway….oh and diet coke, that fat coke won’t do!

Getting back to those dishes, I have off course succumbed to the Parmesan stench emanating from the tagliatelle carbonara I so lovingly prepared last night and scrubbed the smell away. Jeeze that Prill washing up liquid is dangerous stuff, no need for nail polish remover when you’ve got that. I think I’ll pull a Hyacinth Bucket this afternoon and send the driver for some Fairy liquid, so much more gentle.

Anyway, the consequences of Pesky neglecting his duties have yet to be decided. I could remove the beer fridge, but then if he puts the contents in the big fridge it would reduce the space for my wine…..mmmm that’s not going to happen. I believe the best option is to hit him in the pocket, so Pesky we are going out for dinner this evening and NO Kentucky, Pizza Hut, Mc Donald’s are NOT options.


Expat Troubles

This expat life really is tough. It’s terribly difficult to juggle the staff and all my appointments for hair, manicures, pedicures and other basic necessities. I even have to go shopping on occasion to those shops who can’t seem to employ a proper English speaking telephonist to take my order.

Just the other day I had to have “words” with the Gardener yet again. He really should count himself lucky as my darling son smuggled through customs three sprinklers in his suitcase (and multiple replacement valves because I knew they would break them)
I say “they” because obviously I have two gardeners, we are in Egypt darlings, no one person is ever enough.

 “The words” were the result of him dismantling the hose attachment so he could use his finger to squeeze the end of the hose to create a rather fetching spray. The whole point of the sprinkler system was to alleviate the 3 hours a day they spent watering the garden with this finger technique. Obviously the sprinklers need little supervision, don’t answer back and quite frankly smell a whole lot better than the staff, although I’m sure their fingers smell fresh.

Following this incident our driver proceeded to do the same, dismantling the hose attachments again to wash the car. Fortunately for me it was my hubby who caught him at it, my reaction would have resulted in a troublesome swoon, at the very least, or possibly a fainting fit for me after such a stressful day. Anyway we have rectified the errant ways of the driver, he now goes to the Bowab (doorman) across the way and uses his facilities. I fear the hubby may have addressed him as you would do an adult which I find is never a good idea with Egyptian males.

We don’t have a Bowab, and as such it is affecting our social standing with the local merchants, delivery staff and bin collectors. I need to rectify this as a matter of urgency. It’s not, you understand, that I have any concern for the opinions of these rather quaint people, Its simply that at the moment I have to answer the door which I find rather taxing. A decent Bowab would alleviate this unnecessary chore as goodness knows I have enough to do.

There are some expats here who I feel are going native. Just last night my girlfriends and I where commenting on the latest antics of one such individual, it’s terribly worrisome. As we were enjoying a Bombay Sapphire and Schweppes tonic (imported of course) Aine, yes that’s a real name, Irish of course happened to let slip that a mutual acquaintance had been seen eating Egyptian food whilst sitting on  the floor upon some Bedouin carpets.

Well I say, that really is taking it to extremes, I know some tourists participate in that kind of uncultured behavior but an expat lady has standards. I dread to think what her husband would have to say about this carry on, we decided not to inform him at present regarding her cavorting with the locals. It will however be widespread knowledge as unfortunately there is little in the line of marital strife at present and us girls do need someone to gossip about.

  Now, I’ve just been rudely interrupted by the door again, this time it’s the bin man. He comes on a daily basis and always knocks to let me know he is performing his duties. He is a rather odd looking character, about 21 and not totally unbecoming in a slum dog way. I have taken to keeping a vial of lavender by the door for rubbing on my wrists prior to answering it. Unfortunately I can not see through the door so the deep inhalations I have to take on each occasion to avoid the stench is leaving me rather light headed, either that or the Egyptian wine I’m forced to suffer through at lunchtimes is not organic as it claims.

I will have to sign off now as my poor fingers are getting weary from all this typing. Maybe I need a personal assistant to undertake this arduous task, I could simply dictate, I’m rather good at that. I could get them to make the appointment I’m going to need now for a massage to alleviate the stiffness, you can’t be too careful with your health you know. Just mentioning health, as winter is fast approaching I would recommend that all expat ladies imbibe of a hot whiskey on a daily basis to ward of any potential chills. I find it works best taken in the afternoon, after your luncheon wine and prior to our evening G&Ts, as an extra precaution one before bed will boost it’s medicinal effect.

The views expressed are not necessarily my own, and from now on I will publish all the stupid comments from Egyptian men who actually take this nonsense seriously