Goodbye Cairo

Cairo, you have worked your way under my skin, I love you and hate you equally. I love the fact that in this sprawling quagmire of a city you can still randomly stick your hand out for a taxi and be greeted with ” Ah Miss Maria, el bayt?” (home?)

I hate the fact that even though you know the fare costs 2.50 you give 5le and the supposedly pious zebeeba adorned driver says its 10le…..the driver last night nearly lost his teeth and the hubby his hand, thieving chancer, needless to say he was lucky to get his 5le (that’s 50p to my non Egypt based readers)….yes it’s worth a row for 25p it’s the principle of the thing.

I love the fact that the plumber yesterday, here to fix my toilet just gave us his monkey wrench. We asked to borrow it to change the gas cylinder and he said no problem just keep it. Well, we think that’s what our broken Arabic translated it as….we still have it and he left with smiles, along with his 7 year old assistant Mohamed whom I hope was his son. His generosity was humbling, but I hate the fact that Mohamed was not at school where he should have been.

I love the fact that the kind policemen who found my dog returned the reward saying it was just their job. But I hate the fact that corruption, baksheesh and bribes is part of daily life.

It’s the juxtaposition of kindness and goodness and god damned outrageous exploitation that I still find fascinating, and if truth be told I will never figure it out. There is so much hope for this country, the people here are some of the kindest most generous I’ve met anywhere, but, but, but, there are an awful lot of bad apples. There appears to be two nations running in parallel, I just hope the shit doesn’t float to the top. (Apologies for the language but this will be my last post from Cairo and I really want to say it how it is)

We came under Mubarak, we’ve had a revolution, Morsi, a coup (touchy point) and now we will leave under Sisi. I can’t help thinking its come full circle, the only constant being the army. The excitement and enthusiasm for change after the Jan 25 revolution has dissipated, evaporated, the expectation of change was so high, ok maybe unrealistic, idealistic, but you could palpably feel it on the street. Morsi was not the man to deliver this change, his vision was skewed, backed by an agenda. I’m reminded of some old graffiti just as I say that, here you go, this was under Morsi

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As from Sunday Sisi will be the new president, what change will he bring? The international media are focused on the very restrictive protest law, the crackdowns on freedom of assembly and expression and the trials of journalists for simply doing their job. The local media is full of pictures of adorning Sisi fans, parties to celebrate his victory. In true Egyptian style at one such party in Giza three people died from being hit accidentally by celebratory gunfire, go figure!

I truly hope Egypt grows and flourishes and once again becomes a country to be proud off, not with a nationalistic fervour, and flag waving, but as an example of what can be achieved by caring for its resources, its people, and perhaps most importantly steadfastly building decent education for all it’s inhabitants regardless of the thickness of their wallet or connections. But it’s a massive task ahead and although the graffiti above is from Morsi’s time, the people still need bread.

I hope change can come for the sake of the rude lawyer who jumped in front of me in the queue in Seoudi and ended up with my trolley up his backside and rolling on the floor. You were no more important than me or anyone else in the queue, I hope your money and wasta loses its leverage here.

I hope change can come for the little street kids outside the metro who pester me everyday with their tissues for sale. I know you don’t get to keep the money honey, I hope the cruel “madams” who run you end up in jail very soon.

I hope change can come for the spoilt little rich kids who will never amount to anything whilst they are pampered and cruise round Cairo like little kings, above the law, with their parents buying their way out of every problem.

I hope change can come for all the good, kind, honest hardworking Egyptians I have met. You all deserve better, may you get it soon.

Finally in the words of Vinny Jones, “it’s been emotional” Cairo you have provided a roller coaster ride for five years. Lots of highs and lows, but my overwhelming feeling of the journey is one of “what a ride”. I am so glad I came, I have no regrets, Egypt I wish you well, Goodbye “Irish eyes on Cairo”, Ma Salama. Hello “Irish eyes on Delhi” Namaste, what have you got in store for me?

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Anyone for a Cupcake?

Well, January the first has been and gone, but in my repeating groundhog day existence I am stuck on what appears to be April 1st. In an ever spiralling alternative reality I am constantly overcome with a desire to pinch myself. For the last week or so Egypt has ….. Outdone itself…..You couldn’t make it up, if it was a movie plot it would be canned by the critics for being too far fetched, sadly the looneys have taken over the asylum.

We have had a puppet investigated for …well treason i think, its accused of sending subliminal messages to the Muslim Brotherhood, via a Vodafone Ad….to say that’s embarrassing for all sane Egyptians is an understatement. The international media picked up on it, must have been a slow news day, and although it didn’t make the cover of Time magazine it did make the inside pages, this is truly cringe worthy stuff.

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The “snitch” hotline is now up and running for all loyal citizens to report Muslim brotherhood members or sympathisers. Anyone putting up “Vote NO” posters for the upcoming “democratic” referendum will also be arrested, I’m not sure they get the either, or, option that a referendum entails. This hotline is most definitely open to abuse, any weary husband or wife or basically anyone with a grudge, simply needs to slip a Rabaa sign near the vicinity of the suspect, make the call and voila they are gone.

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The referendum will be policed by the army. The very sexy….well in some eyes, there is no accounting for taste, army spokesman Ahmed Ali posted pictures to their Facebook page showing the new gear they have acquired for the event. Yip, the ones in red with a ninja look about them, or maybe they are more Power Rangers… should make us all feel very safe. The outfits remind me of the Olympics when the National team turned up in fake Nike kit, or maybe it was Adidas, anyway someone is having a laugh here, the supplier being my number one suspect.

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Some of our friends have been evacuated again as a precaution in case there is any trouble during the voting process. I’ve lost count of the amount of times they’ve been evacuated, happy to say the hubby’s company seems to be oblivious to any upcoming trouble so we are staying put. I’m more concerned with the fact the ring road will be closed for maintenance thereby curtailing the Hubby’s golfing plans and leaving him at home with me…..

Just when we thought the whole “Egypt as a laughing stock” was dying down some bloody tourist in Hurghada reported seeing UFOs…..that’s now being investigated too. I imagine the outcome of the inquiry will be that Mossad is responsible, rather in the way that the sharks last year were MOSSAD agents seeking to undermine Egypts tourism industry by attacking tourists. Or, maybe they will be accredited to HAMAS carrying out reconnaissance for the brotherhood, who knows.

I live in the hope that someone will step up to the mark and make a rousing speech something along the lines of “OK people, time to catch yourselves on, get a grip, all these conspiracy theories, undercover agents, spy’s are a figment of your imagination, it’s embarrassing, more bizarre than even the absurd plot lines in a John Grisham novel” yeah well, I doubt there is anyone out there who could sway the SiSi love fest, oh and Yes he will be the next president, most definitely.

I’m going to keep my head down, tape my mouth shut too, oh and ideally wear only coats with deep pockets for fear of my foreign fingers getting me into bother. I will smile nicely at all the pervert policemen and soldiers who are now the flavour of the month and quietly wait until the referendum passes, which it will. It took 2 and 1/2 years from Mubarak being deposed until Morsi suffered the same fate, how long will Sisi last….I’m thinking we are in for the long haul.

There is a little kick back against all this nationalist fervour, it just depends which bakery you use, these delicious looking cupcakes are in support of @alaa who is once again in jail, as he has been under every regime, Mubarak, SCAF, Morsi, and now., (I’m not quite sure what to call the “now” period because it most definitely wasn’t a coup) The other logo is the “No to Military Trials” graphic, but I’m not sure cupcakes as a form of resistance is gong to make much difference….I won’t be buying any just in case..

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Slainte, Masalama, Bye

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Dirty Laundry

I’ve been feeling I needed to write something for days now, a purely selfish cathartic piece, an exorcism of confusion if you will, as I try to get my head around what’s going on in Egypt, this crazy messed up place we call home.

Writing this blog has a been a bit like riding a bike, I’ve got into the swing of it, I’ve peddled the Maadi expat persona and concerned myself with vitally important expat lady things, wine, manicures, bookclubs, drivers, maids, gin and more wine. I’ve had a blast, and a lot of fun doing it. But the stabilisers have come of now, and I’m shit scared.

Am I shit scared for Egypt? Straight answer NO, I think they will muddle through. It will work out rather in the way the electrician who turns up with a plastic bag of tools comprising a screwdriver and some tape will manage to fix your washing machine.

You know the leaking plastic pipe needs replaced, he knows it too, but it’s the Egyptian way to stick a bit of tape on it, patch it up, and pretend its fine. Easier to stick with the old one with a few adjustments than rip out the washing machine, flood the kitchen and spend the time and effort sourcing a replacement part.

That piece of taped up plastic pipe looks different now, it’s face to world is unrecognisable, it’s a different colour, it feels different but underneath we all know it’s just the same. Sisi is not Tantawi, is not Mubarak but……

The last time around, way back in 2011 the electrician/electorate thought they would have a go at changing the pipe. They had a go, they couldn’t find exactly what they were looking for so they compromised. Morsi wasn’t an exact fit, he didn’t meet the manufacturers criteria but they ploughed on even though it started leaking from day one.

After a year of struggling on and mopping up the damage the electorate threw their heads up and ripped him out. The “told you so brigade” are happy we’ve reverted to the old one, they’re insisting it’s a temporary measure until they can source the right part. I’m happy enough with that if it’s true, it’s just the manufacturers of these parts, the political parties, don’t seem to be producing anything that fits the specifications.

They could off course change the whole machine, start from scratch with a completely different model. They could write a whole new constitution bringing into state control all the army’s commercial interests and budget. How about the pasta factories, water bottling plants, refrigerator factories, construction companies etc etc become state property, the army stick to defending national security, you know like in the rest of the world?

That won’t happen, no chance, so we will muddle on through, maybe address women’s rights, NGOs, the filthy streets, tourism etc while the elephant in the room (military/MOI) nods its head and says carry on folks, great job.

I’m no fan of the brotherhood, they were a disaster for this country economically, socially, in fact in just about every way. Their true colours have been unveiled to the world with their hasty removal of their Al Queda flags from their protests once the international media descended. Quickly replaced with brand spanking new ones in English calling for democracy. But…and here it is people the thing that’s really scaring me is the fact that there are those that think dispersing sit ins will get rid of them.

Time to waken up Egypt, for the MB are the other elephant in the room. The brotherhood have been around for 80+ years, they ain’t going anywhere. No matter how distasteful it may seem now, they need to be engaged, they need to be included, they are part of this country whether you like it or not. Dialogue is the only way forward, and reform from the inside out, and top down. You can present your shiny new exterior to the world, but without reform, well lets say in the background you’ll be washing your dirty laundry with faulty parts.

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Sexual Healing

Ok, I think I’ve just about had it with Egypt. I have reached the stage where no amount of self medicating can dull the pain. I’ve tried the gin, the wine even the 5hour shots but Egypt is a chronic case. We all get bad Egypt days, when the car horns seem louder, when the suicidal drivers seem to have you in their sights, when the rubbish on the street is extra disgusting and the perverts seem to be out in force. But the news this morning has tipped me over the edge. This gentleman, General Sisi, the one who is actually running the country, contrary to what the international media may say, has called for mass protests on Friday and that’s just about the last straw.

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Look at him, just look at him, dark sunglasses probably fake, stay pressed form fitting uniform, multiple shiny medals, extra large highly peaked hat, all he is missing is one of those horsetail things you wave around and use to swat the flies off, ideally in a leopard print design. This guy is for real, he is not some Borat spoof in the style of “Dictator” he is the face of the continuing revolution, oh my. This country is obsessed with dates, we have places called 6th October, 15th May, 10th Ramadan, 26th July etc etc. We had the day off yesterday for 23rd July Revolution day. January 25th is also policemans day, or revolution day 2011, and I’m sure 30th June next year will be yet another revolution day 2013…

How about we have a real revolution day, you know try something different and call for everyone to go to work and actually do what they are paid to do for a full 8hours. How about the tea breaks, smoke breaks, ablutions breaks, prayer breaks, dinner breaks are all counted as time not working and deducted from their salaries. How about they don’t surf the Internet, call their mates, or blame the traffic for being late. I reckon they would need to turn up to work at 6am and stay until midnight to actually squeeze in an 8 hour working day, and even then it probably wouldn’t be productive.

What are they going to do on Friday, here’s what. They are going to walk ….then they are going to sit, cos they are really good at that, then they will eat Iftar and then the blood will flow once it’s dark. It will carry on through the night, each side will blame the other then your man above will step in and issue a state of emergency. Maybe not this weekend, but its coming, then we will have a curfew and even less work will get done, and repeat, and repeat…..

This is just my take but the pro Morsi sit-ins are really bugging Mr Sisi above there. They are getting lots of international coverage, I guess thats to counteract the complete blanket on coverage here and the MB PR team have really stepped up their game. They have told the protesters to lose their Al Qaeda flags and replaced them with brand spanking new ones in English, much more media friendly. They are meant to say Morsi is our president but “P” and “B” are interchangeable for Egyptians so quite a few say Morsi is our Bresident. They are not too hot on the spelling of Obama either

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I think there will be a massive turnout in support of General Sisi, apart from the fact that the vast majority of Egyptians think he is fabulous, his PR guy Ahmed Ali is hot. The females of the population are fawning over his good looks and creating Facebook appreciation pages. The whole country has a teenage mentality, hero worshipping this guy. Here he is, judge for yourself, personally I think his hair cannot possibly be that black, and there appears to be a severe lack of a monobrow which we all know is standard for all Egyptian males. I suspect tweezers or possibly some wax in his pocket…

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Maybe the real reason they want to break up the MB sit In is because they are jealous. Now why could they possibly be jealous? Well that’s easy peasy because the MB ladies have been asking if it’s time for Sexual Jihad yet? Basically the kindly ladies want to know if it’s time for supplying the males with sexual favours to “keep them motivated” in their quest against the infidels. Who dreamed up this crazy idea?

My guess is it was a bunch of goofy ugly blokes who thought they would put forward their dream scenarios cooked up down some side street under the influence of some rather special hashish and gauge the reaction. Obviously everyone else at the time was stoned and replied with a “hey bro I think you’re on to something there” and there we have it, let’s roll with this, it’s time for some sexual healing.

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Yes ok ok I know this is probably a load of crap, and No there are no tours offering this all inclusive package to lusty males but it has been in all the papers, everyday this week. Oh, and Angel Gabriel apparently appeared too, not sure if he was giving his blessing or having a coronary, but this is the mentality you are up against, there is no fecking hope for this country, none at all.

General Sisi has called for this protest, the MB have called for their guys to turn out too, This ain’t going to end well. I really don’t get the Sisi call out, he is in charge, what’s he trying to prove? He is like a Billy no mates shouting I’ve got more friends than you have……you need to picture that in an annoying sing song voice, no you don’t, yes i do, no you don’t………………….or, if I was rude, my dicks bigger than your dick, obviously I wouldn’t be that rude. That’s me I’m done, time to go, I’m outta here.

Masalama , Slainte

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Coup Countdown

Just watched the BBC morning report on this crazy country I call home, what a load of codswallop. They are referring to the ongoing political stalemate as something along the lines of a three way Mexican standoff. The army, the president and the opposition. I’m not going to get into the political factions to be found within each of these groups as It would give both you and I a headache but suffice to say there are multiple sections all with their own agendas and with very little common ground other than the basic Morsi in or out, yes or no answer. For some reasoned analysis I will direct you to Jim Erickson, Cairo Rugby player, economic and political analyst, all round good guy, unfortunately he is American but we can’t have everything. Here is the link..

Egypt Update

We are supposed to be at home keeping our heads down but that’s not really my style so we have been out and about with the exception of Sunday when we were glued to the telly. That’s not to say the ongoing situation hasn’t impacted on our schedule. Friday was a case in point. Big Mo the club captain had posted on Facebook that he was going to kill a sheep at 1:30pm, now initially I was rather confused as the opponents of the Muslim brotherhood call their supporters sheep, and I was rather concerned that Mo was advertising the fact he was off to kill a brotherhood member at 1:30 local time. Turns out he was in fact referring to an actual sheep, phew.

Morsi made a speech a few days ago, not sure which day as I lost the will to live after the first 5 minutes. He managed to trundle on for almost three hours and said sweet FA. Egyptians, ever entrepreneurial had these on sale the next day down the Khan el Khalili.

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We were invited round for the BBQ of said sheep but even the best laid plans go awry in this climate. Due to the petrol shortages the delivery of the sheep proved to impossible. According to the government there is no shortage, guess these people are waiting for a drive in movie.

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I think Mo could have convinced the supplier had he wanted to, Mo is rather big and as such can be very convincing but the guy was using the shortages as an excuse to bump his price up so he cancelled the order, quite right too. As it turned out Mo managed to secure a leg of lamb so the BBQ went ahead and a fine night was had by all.

I’m sure you’ve all seen the amazing pictures coming out of Tahrir but I thought I would focus on the MB counter protest in Nasr city, their photographs are far more entertaining. Now bear in mind these supporters of Morsi are supposed to be more religious and you would therefore think more peaceful. Well judge for yourself. In their defence the following pictures depict them exercising their right to defend themselves from the opposition. Judging by the guy at the front of this one more “exercise” would seem to be the way to go.

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Ninja turtles seems to be the look that’s in for summer this year, although some of it seems to come from previous centuries with Braveheart springing to mind. No scratch that I’m guessing this is left over or pillaged from the times of the Roman occupation.

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The opposition have their share of armour plating too, though quite what this guy is expecting is anyone’s guess…….he appears to be smoking a cucumber, perhaps he has been smoking something else previously.

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The army have made their move and basically we are on countdown to a coup. Again the entrepreneurial Egyptians have blasted off the starting blocks and launched an app to countdown the time remaining. Here you go
Countdown Timer

The style of protesting this time round has definitely had a makeover. This simple red card says it all, they want Morsi to go

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On a more serious note, the 46 mob sexual assaults in Tahrir and counting need to be addressed. This picture called “circle of fear” by Salma El Tarzi is a powerful image that captures the fear that I can’t articulate.

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I’m going to leave you now with a photo of the army praying, there will be a lot of prayers said this week. Check out the hand of the solider holding the gun in the bottom right corner guarding the muslim soldiers as they pray. That’s a Coptic tattoo on the inside of his wrist……I pray that the unity shown here can be replicated, I hope you will join me. My prayers are with ALL of Egypt. Masalama

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UPDATE

Just got sent this amazing video by my son, stunning.
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EVACUATE! EVACUATE!

The hubby came home the other night with his company’s new evacuation plan. Brand spanking new, updated and tweaked following consideration of “lessons learnt” from the last fiasco. Whomever compiled it must be living in some parallel universe that I’m not aware of, they sure as hell aren’t living in the Egypt I Know. As to why we may need an evacuation plan and for any of you who have been living in a bubble here is what it’s all about

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Basically this campaign called Tamarod or Rebel wants President Morsi to go, they claim to have millions of signatures which they plan to use to oust him, not exactly sure how they are going to do that, not so sure they know either, I’m not convinced planning ahead is an Egyptian strong point. These forms are every where, I couldn’t sign you have to be an Egyptian, but look even the police are at it

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Before I regale you with the inherent flaws in the plan I should state that I have no bloody intention of going anywhere. I will be staying put in Maadi, most probably in the BCA or the ACE Club, probably a little combination of both. Within these little expat oasis I shall find solace, drown my sorrows, listen and contribute to conversations regarding the state of the nation, yes basically talk crap with other like minded souls.

Back to the plan, it started off rather well, upon receiving a phone call from the “Marshal” you and your family should move to the JW Marriott beside the airport. They had even considered the eventuality of the mobile phone services being cut again and had collated everyone’s landline numbers. After that it completely fell to pieces….

Once everyone is assembled in the Marriott and the Marshal considers there is a need to evacuate then we…….hold on hold on, some employees had questions. Do we have rooms booked in the Hotel? No, no we will just meet in the lobby, but how long do we have to wait in the lobby? Until the Marshal decides its time to evacuate. But that could be days no?……….see what I mean about planning.

Three methods of evacuation are available, by land, Sea and Air states the plan. By using the land route you will drive to Suez, go through the tunnel to Sinai and drive to Taba, then cross into Israel……There are a few fundamental flaws in this….

The Government has announced the tunnel will be closed being a major one….perhaps they have arranged a ferry to take us and the car across, oh no silly me the government has announced the Suez Canal will be closed to all shipping. Do these people not read the news! Let’s assume we are whisked across by helicopter, car hanging below in some cradle attachment type thing. Easy peasy from there then?

Eh well no not really, here’s the travel warning for Egypts Sinai,

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you see that big red bit at the top which corresponds to the “Do Not Travel” warning, well that’s the way they want us to go. Assuming we make our way to Taba, we have to pass the Bedouin and Jihadists with out being kidnapped or carjacked , or quite possibly even shot……this travel warning is there for a reason and I can’t see any of the Embassies doing anything much if we ignore it. What exactly we would do in Israel was not clarified either……

Plan B is by sea from Suez, fundamental flaw here too…..Suez only carries Cargo not passengers. I googled “Suez Passenger Ferry ” I discovered that vital piece of information in about 2 seconds, such a lot of research has gone into this “plan”. Whilst I was at it I thought I would google Alexandria, and Port Said here’s what I got

“Alexandria and Port Said on the Mediterranean Sea, and Suez and Nuweiba on the Red Sea are ports of entry for visitors, but as a result of political unrest in the Middle East we have suspended our ferry booking service to Egypt. Please check with your travel agent or directly with the following operators for available ferry travel from Europe to Egypt:”

Guess those options are out the window too………..

Plan C by Air, this one obviously would be the preferred route, except some people had questions on this one too. Where will we be flying to, being the most obvious. Dubai of course was the answer, bit of a bummer considering various nationalities require visas for Dubai. Now I’m not saying the organisers of the “plan” are incompetent but knowing the nationalities of your employees, most of which have been here for years is most definitely a prerequisite before deciding where you may send them. Apparently visas are now being requested from the various embassies.

According to the plan we make our way to the airport, go to the check-in counter and ask for a ticket to Dubai. There you go, and that’s about the height of it. Never mind the fact that all the flights are fully booked, that the oil companies have reserved all possible seats for their employees should they need them. Oh and having possibly spent a few smelly days and nights in the lobby of the Marriott we will probably have to do the same in the airport. That is off course should we even manage to get into the airport past the queues of people who actually effing have tickets.

A rather senior employee, a director in fact, partner of my book club buddy apparently got rather enraged at this stage of proceedings and demanded that they basically catch themselves on and charter a plane, quite right too. Last time we managed to piggy back on one chartered by a sister company who actually appear to have a functioning HR department, I’m thinking that no matter what our “plan” may be quite a few employees will jump on board their plane this time too.

The best part, for me anyway, was a little innocuous line that stated….Pack a small bag with enough for two days and your luggage will follow within 48hours….yeah right. Follow where? Who is going to collect our luggage from our homes, are they going to charter a plane or helicopter to deliver it to where ever we end up, oh and while we are at it will they bring our dogs, cats and assorted menagerie of animals too? What will these animals do in the meantime whilst we are camped out in the Marriott lobby. Bearing in mind that Egyptians have an inherent fear of dogs and they are considered Haram in Islam I can’t see them being a priority.

Following the meeting to discuss the plan, which obviously didn’t pan out too well our drivers were called the next day to another meeting to let them know what their responsibilities are. Whomever devised our “plan” is most definitely not in contact with the whomever devised the drivers plan. According to my driver we are to leave with one large bottle of water only. No bags, and our drivers are to be perched outside our home on Saturday morning awaiting the call to Evacuate, Evacuate. they received no instructions regarding the 48 hour luggage delivery either.

Since I have no intention of going anywhere or putting myself through the Marriott experience, nor the helicopter and Sinai experience I have told my driver Hossam to have a lie in. I am however unintentionally prepared. My sons birthday is this weekend and he is having a “uniform” theme. Quite easily, and in fact rather scarily I nipped out and managed to get him an Egyptian police mans outfit no problem at all. I went for the all white summer version, epaulettes, cap, badges, even a holster for his gun. Our driver is delivering the gun tonight and I’m rather excited because of course as its Egypt it will most probably be a real one, apparently he has a friend who supplies this type of accessory and he is bringing me a taser too.

If it all goes pear shaped I will station him outside in full uniform, although as his hair is red at the moment he may not be completely convincing. I shall then follow the proceedings on twitter and if the power goes out nip down to the ACE for some liquid refreshment, which to me is an altogether better “plan”

UPDATE

It appears someone in our fabulous HR department has realised the Suez tunnel will be closed therefore making our exit by land to Israel via Taba rather difficult. They have updated our route accordingly and we are now to exit Egypt through the border with Libya…….WTF. Here is the travel advice for Libya

The FCO advise against all but essential travel to Tripoli, Zuwara, Az Zawiya, al Khums, Zlitan and Misrata, and to the coastal towns from Ras Lanuf to the Egyptian Border, with the exception of Benghazi. The FCO advise against all travel to all other parts of Libya, including Benghazi.

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Looks like we will be needing that helicopter again, no scratch that personally I would prefer a Tardis, evacuating by Tardis makes much more sense than this bloody plan.

Back to Basics

We all like a good whine now and again and I’m no exception. Ive just read my last couple of blogs and they’re way too happy cheery, I don’t want you all getting the wrong impression and imagining I’m a happy smily type individual cos I’m not. I can moan with the best off them, so it’s back to basics and time to purge on those twats who are meant to be running this bloody country.

I don’t know whether to start with the nude ballet dancers, the porn stars in Hurghada or just launch straight in with the complete numptys who make up the government. Stuff it, the numptys it is. They aired live on TV a debate concerning the Ethiopians decision to divert a tributary of the Nile to build a dam. (you know like planning ahead so they can meet electricity demands, don’t get me started on that one) Apparently the esteemed members, yes members, I’m being as polite as I can….think about it……. didn’t know it was being filmed……generally the big cameras are a hint but hey maybe they thought Morsi was shooting footage for himself, you know like you do for an 6 year olds birthday.

Well, a 6 year olds birthday party is what it resembled. Picture a bunch of middle aged men with paunches high on …….probably sugar, let’s be honest too much tea, cake and BeBsi, planning to overthrow an arch enemy rather in the style of 6 year olds with a James Bond fetish. Their suggestions included spreading rumours Egypt was buying military planes to “put pressure on Ethiopia” what??? like the heaps of F16 fighter jets they have from the USA don’t count.

Other suggestions included sending political, military and intelligence teams, intelligence? yeah good luck with that one to liaise with the rebels. In true Egyptian style they would be late, miss the meeting with their contact, nip out for a shisha, trip on their flip flops, apply a massive bandage, cos they don’t do pain and then head off for a nap, generally forgetting why they had come. Oh and obviously it wouldn’t be their fault, no their wife would have forgotten to wake them or some such other nonsense. I can picture the covert mission set to an Amr Diab sound track, there would have to be “Habibi” some where in the title. Moving swiftly on….

An 8 year old video of Morsi surfaced showing him talking about dancing being banned in Islam and not being compliant with Sharia, well, if that means I no longer have to suffer the sight of Egyptian men dancing with other men in the street after football matches, and at weddings I’m all for it. Never, I repeat never have I witnessed such uncoordinated displays of what can only be described as epileptics on steroids. (apologies to all epileptics) the sequence of events that followed I am assured have no relation to each other…..the culture minister was sacked, the opera house went on strike and the Nour party jumped on board and stated that Ballet was “the art of nudes” and that it “spread immorality and obscenity to the people”

We had this naked thing before when Morsi was in Germany, remember that Gaff when he talked about women running naked in the street. Well they don’t mean actually naked like you and me think, you know no clothes and all that. No, what they actually mean is a female without the abaya and hijab, so I, and I’m sure lots of you are strolling downtown Cairo naked everyday. Funny how the men in shorts and T-shirts aren’t naked eh…even the salafi men aren’t adverse to displaying a finely turned ankle, usually accompanied with black curling toenails it has to be said.

On to the porn stars, now where do I start. Phew, well basically they arrested about a dozen Georgian tourists for filming on the beach. It was basically a swimwear photoshoot but again I suppose in the police men’s minds they were naked if you follow the logic above. Just picture, 40+ degree heat, a beach, tourists, WTF were they thinking running about in bikinis and swimsuits getting their hair wet, I imagine they were even laughing, messing about in the sand, maybe even rubbing sun cream into each other, scandalous!! Obviously they weren’t behaving appropriately for the location. They should have been fully clothed sitting under umbrellas and consuming enough cakes and fizzy drinks to sustain their weight gain programme and speed up their type 2 diabetes diagnosis.

I’m going to post this now, not because I’ve proof read it or anything but purely because the electricity is working and I really need to go dry my hair before I nip off to book club tonight. I may have to have a little tipple too as the ice is melting and I don’t want to waste it.

Masalama, Slainte!