A Cunning Plan

Now where do I start this time, holy crap, this weeks events have unfolded in a Harry Potter like vortex that is leaving me yearning for the humdrum sanity of Hogworts. I should give thanks I suppose that at least our headlines are less surreal than Saudi Arabia. ” Beheadings may stop due to swordsman shortages” was one that caught my eye, possible job vacancy there for any interested parties.

Then again, there will be plenty of work around now that the prosecutor general has permitted citizen arrests.  The police are on strike, not that you would notice, and in true Egyptian fashion rather than address the issues, cos obviously that would require some thought, and possibly some work by those in charge, they are actively encouraging “good” citizens to arrest those who are less so. I’m screwed….. the Bowab who I didn’t tip enough, the parking guy whose toe I ran over, and that bitch at the airport who I “gently” slapped for jumping the queue are to be avoided at all costs…..and there is no way I can ever set foot in the supermarket again.

I do believe that this was a cunning plan rather in the style of Blackadders Baldrick to allow the Muslim brotherhood to police in their style. The tourist industry has kicked up a stink , and quite rightly so, as this comes on the heels of this weeks announcement by the World Economic Forum that  Egypt now ranks last in the safety and security stakes for tourists. This latest brainwave will legally allow all those dodgy moustachioed Romeos,  con men, scam artists, fraudsters and other model citizens to basically do whatever the feck they want.

So as a general warning to tourists, and to those expats who have to suffer the tourist venues, especially when accompanying those annoying visitors who come over, bear in mind when you head off to “Do” the  whole pyramids, citadel, Khan etc, that you need to keep your wits about you. From now on laughing in the face of their ridiculous prices and refusing camel rides could be construed as an act of spying…….Don’t whatever you do wag your finger at them, foreign fingers are still believed to be behind all of Egypt’s problems.

 If you have a camera in hand to capture auntie Betty’s behind as she mounts the camel be careful there is not a military establishment within range. Now you can legally be frog marched of to the nearest police station. I’m not sure what happens from here on in as the police are still striking, or at the very least asleep, but I’m thinking a bribe would be in order, ideally in dollars.

You could of course shunt the visitors off in a microbus, convince them its an authentic Egyptian experience, no seatbelts, no brakes, stoned driver, perverts touching you up etc and save yourself the pain and agony of accompanying them but……oh no they are on strike too! 

Initially I welcomed this development as roads free of microbus drivers has an appeal that only a resident could get excited about. That was prior to realising that although on strike their parking skills can not be underestimated…..the press got caught up in a hullabaloo reporting that they had decided to block the ring road, corniche etc but come ON people,  that’s how they always park.  

There will be a lot more “parking” in the weeks to come as the diesel crisis deepens. The ring road is already reduced to two lanes in places due to the queues of lorries waiting to fill up. I do have to admire the drivers organisation, obviously not regarding how they queue, let’s not go there,  but rather their portable kitchen facilities. Egyptians must be of Romany descent for they can whip up a cup of tea and a full selection of bread and assorted dips no bother, I just wish they would urinate around the other side of their vehicle.

In other news, the elections have been postponed, the Port Said verdict pleased nobody, the NGO trial is still ongoing, the IMF thinks we are a basket case, inflation is rampant, power cuts are an everyday occurrence, oh and lest I forget, the Army is biding its time!