Dear Mr President

The elections are finally over, phew, i wish all Egyptians well in what is sure to be a rocky road ahead. Now it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty, what does Morsi’s victory mean to us expats?

Having spent the last day or so perusing the chat forums and talking to some seriously concerned people I have a list of questions I would like to put to the new president. 

Dear Mr President,

What are your plans for increasing the frequency of the delivery of weetabix?  Recently we have had periods of only having the “minibix fruit and nut” variety, which quite frankly is not the same for a purist fan such as myself.

Your opponent Mr Shafiq promised to sort out Cairo’s traffic problems within 24hours of being elected, what is your timeframe? It’s vital to know as I have an appointment for a cut, blow dry, manicure and pedicure on the 29th June and will be traveling to Dokki from Katemaya via the ring road. Will you have eradicated all microbuses by this date?

There are rumors circulating that you will be introducing a new fashion line for this Autumn/fall. I am keen to stay ahead of the pack, and whilst Paris and New York are running with a continuation of the zangy Citrus colors of this season could you confirm that you will be launching  a “black is the new black” line? 

There have been mentions in the media that you will be undertaking a review of the drinks industry. Could I just say that it’s not before time, if I could be so bold as to suggest that you prioritize “Gin” the local Butlers variety is very poor. My personal preference is for Bombay Sapphire but being restricted to 4 bottles per month from duty free is obviously not enough. The Egyptians are excellent at copying imported products if they turned their attention to Gin it would undoubtedly create much needed jobs.

Sorry to ask a second fashion related question, but my maid has just mentioned that hemlines will be “maxi” for the coming season, not that I take fashion advice from my maid you understand, but she can read the fashion supplement in the local press. I’m heading to London shortly to purchase my autumn collection so I’m assuming that black, and maxi length are the way to go?

 Will you be going with a plunging neck line, or a bare back to off set, what would otherwise, be a column of black.? I may buy some of each variety as I don’t want to look like those strange people I see daily travelling on the micro buses, hopefully they will disappear too once the traffic problem is worked out.

With regards to the men, my husband has some concerns regarding appropriate beard length. He has (rather fortunately in my opinion) not been endowed with hair follicles that generate much growth. He appreciates that this season he will not be his usual trend setting self so could you give me a heads up as to what you have in mind for your Spring styles?

I know you will be moving into your palace shortly but I should point out that I am a neighbor of yours on road 90. Your opponent Mr Shafiq hailed from Katemaya, rather over rated in my opinion, so last year, so it’s good to see that you share my thoughts. I am hoping that your presidential guard will still be around once you move? I feel they set the proper tone for the neighborhood with their rather fetching red berets. Could I suggest you add a few females to the ranks as they have taken to lying on the grass together in what is surely a display of sexual frustration.

Can you advise on the opening date for Cairo Festival City? It’s ridiculous that we have to survive without M&S ready meals and their underwear department. I realize that Cairo does have an over supply of underwear shops, and whilst I have ample supplies of corsets, and other items from their raunchier collections (their whip selection is second to none) I am in need of some decent “holder inners” that M&S do so well.

Kind Regards

Mairead (your neighbor)

PS maybe we can get together for a BBQ, I have an excellent suckling pig I have been saving for just such an occasion, you don’t need to bring a bottle i have plenty, but now you are in power maybe you can pull some strings and improve the supply of Dorito’s and dips as my book club experience serious difficulties when we are asked to “bring some nibbles”

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Live and Let Die……

I’m sticking with the movie theme………events in Egypt make even the most absurd movie plot look like a methodically planned, logical, rational, textbook classic. Mubarak has died AGAIN. I reckon we are up to 77 times now. My granny had a saying “you can’t kill a bad thing” and it seems to be true, but the famous line from Mr Big in the James Bond  movie “live and let Die is ringing in my ears….

Mr. Big: Names is for tombstones, baby! Y’all take this honkey out and WASTE HIM! NOW! 

Considering Mubaraks father/grand-father, depending on the source, lived to 105 we could be in for another 20 years of this ..is he?….isn’t he? Palava, so Mr Bigs plan seems to be the way to go.  With hindsight though, Mr Bigs plan didn’t come off…… I guess my granny had it right! 

That didn’t stop the twitter-verse kicking in with some snappy on liners…here’s a selection of the best.

DavidKenner:
“Hosni Mubarak declared clinically dead, but I’m pretty sure an Egyptian court can still overturn this”

SarahCarr:
“Mubarak is clinically dead on the busiest news night ever. A pain in the arse even while expiring”

Cairo67unedited:
“Nick Kristoff of the New York Times reports #Mubarak is dead with #Egypt in electoral crisis. Any minute now the aliens will land in #Tahrir”

Zeinobia:
“Now people believe Mubarak actually is alive and escaped prison, you know Elvis syndrome!!”

I’m with Zeinobia on this one, after all Elvis and Mubarak are one in the same, OK maybe that’s stretching it but his similarities with Bugsy in Jailhouse Rock can’t be denied.

Shifty Henry said to Bugs, “For Heaven’s sake,
no one’s lookin’, now’s our chance to make a break.”
Bugsy turned to Shifty and he said, “Nix nix,
I wanna stick around a while and get my kicks.”
Let’s rock, everybody, let’s rock.
Everybody in the whole cell block
was dancin’ to the Jailhouse Rock.

I guess that’s what he is up to, just sticking around to get his kicks. Obviously his ring side seat in Torah Prison wasn’t up to his usual standard. The 12millionLE spent on updating his facilities don’t seem to have been enough, so he is now safely ensconced in Maadi, much more to his liking. Its only a matter of time until he is back in his suite at the International Medical centre, jaccuzzi and all. I wonder will they fly in popcorn along with his favorite French food or will he have to make do with Paul Newmans microwave version to add to his viewing pleasure.

Hey-ho it’s 10.15am in Cairo at the moment, I wonder what today’s news will be? I need to get going and tidy up after last nights book club meeting at mine before I get sucked in to the dramas that are sure to unfold. I think for the next book club I will choose a good old fashioned conspiracy theory page turner, David Baldacci and the Camel Club seems appropriate. A camel club adventure set in Cairo now there’s a thought!!

International Man of Mystery

Austin powers has a lot to learn from Egyptian state media, yeah, baby, yeah. It’s bad enough that the policemen here look like extras from strip-o-gram auditions, or failed audition’ees on some Borat inspired spoof, (rejected because they are just too camp, too mustachioed, too 1970’s inspired Chips lookalikes) but the new “from the beginning, he knows his mission” anti spy ads now appearing on state TV are in a whole other league. The ” Mini me” league, sorry couldn’t resist that.

The ominous background music, the weird Dr Evil grimace on the evil foreigners face  leaves you wanting him to offer “1million Dollars” with a little curled pinky tucked into the side of his mouth. Here is the link with English subtitles so you know want I’m ranting on about…

Going with the 1970’s theme, the chef/waiter at the start does have a passing resemblance to Al the cafe owner from “Happy Days” all I’m waiting on is Arthur Fonzarelli, the Fonz clicking his fingers at one of the ladies sat around the table, or thumping a juke box in the background (H)eyyyy!! 

It’s really hard to take anything serious here at the minute, which is probably a good thing. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it keeps you sane but there is never a dull moment. Headlines today include “Mubarak is dead” but this appears at least once a week, I think he has died 76 times since the revolution.

 The conspiracy theorists have him dead since 2004 with a body double attending the trial while he is living it large in…wait for it ….Saudi Arabia. Now if I was going to the effort of body doubles, plastic surgery, secret private jets to whisk me away, then Saudi would not be high on my list of “living it large” destinations.

Other headlines include today include “Salafi MP in Indecency Charge” these Salafis (more conservative Islamists) although “more” doesn’t  really give you the full gist of their agenda, let’s just say Saudi again, have really made their mark since being elected.

 We previously had the “nose job” guy who claimed he had been beaten and robbed to explain his bandaged face, I mentioned previously they even managed to arrest the culprits….. Well the one today claims it was his niece in the car and he removed her face veil to douse her with water as she was feeling unwell when the police pulled up. She claims he is her fiancé…..maybe she is both, I given up trying to apply any logic.

Anyway, back to Austin Powers and our “International man of mystery” The world is a very different place for Austin, he has been cryogenically (i think that the right word) frozen and whisked forward a few decades, unfortunately for Egypt the reverse has happened. Our mystery foreigner in the Advert (with the exception of his newish mobile phone) could hail from the propaganda campaigns of the cold war protagonists. 

They have now withdrawn the advert as they thought it might be sending confusing messages and may harm tourism…No S#!t Sherlock….all I’m waiting for now is the the state media to Photoshop in James Bond alongside Sabahi or Khaled Ali to prove they are enemies of Egypt……if they do I hope they chose Sharm for the secret rendevoux so we can have Daniel Craig in his slinky beach number….and with that wonderful picture in my head…… masalama.