Spy Catchers

I’m a big fan of David Baldacci the author, I love his books. They all centre around conspiracy theories, spies, intrigue, murder and state sponsored subterfuge. Right now I feel like I’m living in one of his novels. Its probably not such a good idea to live around the corner from road 9 police station. As I nip out for my milk, a loaf and 40 fags i can spot the plain clothed policemen with their baggy shirts not so discreetly hiding bulges. It’s pointless anyway, the casually dangling machine gun gives them away. I am surrounded by masses of undercover agents, all on steroids and with the paranoia of methamphetamine addicts.

It’s common knowledge that Egyptians are rather fond of their drugs, prescription or otherwise, but at the minute I think the whole country is in the grip of the “Heebie, Jeebies” The fact that they arrested a stork last week, yes that’s right a stork, is just the latest episode in this surreal version of Egypt’s cold war. “Spy Duck” screamed the headlines from every state sponsored newspaper, yip, they couldn’t even get the species right but hey the education system here is rather lacking.

Anyway, the spy duck was found in Fayoum with an electronic device attached to its leg, some loyal citizen then duly handed it over to the police. The fact that it was taken into custody, held under the prevention of terrorism act, investigated, interrogated….(how did they do that?) and eventually released once it’s alibi checked out is severe cause for alarm. A tracking device monitoring global migratory patterns was never considered, and sadly, the poor stork is now dead. It was found in Sinai a couple of days ago where quite possibly it committed suicide as a result of having flashbacks of its time spent incarcerated.

This is not a spoof, google it, not only does this country have no common sense whatsoever but your average guy on the street has no problem defending the actions of the state. They are completely brain washed to believe that the world in general, America in particular, wants to to pillage and plunder Egypt and it’s people. Eh, NO, your average rancher in Texas, or publican in Ireland would be hard pressed to find Egypt on a map, actually quite a few politicians and news outlets would be hard pressed too….


Egypt, get over yourselves. Everyone is much more concerned about Manchester United without Alex Ferguson, and the new X Factor line up.

I think I’ve worked out where this self absorption comes from, and at the risk of losing all my male Egyptian readers, quite possibly all male readers I’m going to go for it. Egypt is a patriarchal society, being born a male automatically elevates you above 50% of the population, yip, all the women. Never mind if you are completely thick, incapable of any form of reasoning, quite possibly incapable of wiping your own arse, by the sheer chance of being born a male you are already “better” than 50% of the population. If you are a first born male in your household I’d elevate that percentage to 75%.

The males of this nation are brought up to believe they are simply fabulous. At this stage I’d have to rest some of the blame on their mothers ( I will have no readers left) for they perpetuate the stereotype by hero worshipping them from day one. It doesn’t matter if they are lazy wee shits, obnoxious and quite often truly pathetic individuals they will be surrounded by “enablers” who reinforce their narcissistic complex. They are the centre of the world and unfortunately this carries through to the nation as a whole.

In theory the world at large should aspire to take over Egypt. The ancient monuments, the history the truly awesome climate are unprecedented elsewhere. But let’s get real. Egypt is a shit hole. The whole country is about to implode, or at the very least collapse, it’s simply unsustainable. When we came here the population was growing by 1 million every 9 months, which was pretty scary but the latest figures now show its 1 million every 6 months. There is not enough water, electricity, roads and more importantly jobs to sustain this. Birth control anyone?

Sorry, I got side tracked there, rant over and back to spies, foreign fingers, hidden hands and general paranoia. Let’s move on to general Sisi…I am rather wary of addressing this topic and following the reaction of my driver when I made some rather derogatory comments regarding the gentleman I may already be on the spy catchers radar. I’ve definitely been here too long as yes, I actually believe I may have been reported under some vague paragraph of the emergency law that allows for arresting blonde female expats for voicing their opinion. :Subsection CC perhaps..

I think it’s probably safer to leave you with a little photograph collection to give you the gist of the undying love felt by the Egyptian people for Mr Sisi……….