Sexual Healing

Ok, I think I’ve just about had it with Egypt. I have reached the stage where no amount of self medicating can dull the pain. I’ve tried the gin, the wine even the 5hour shots but Egypt is a chronic case. We all get bad Egypt days, when the car horns seem louder, when the suicidal drivers seem to have you in their sights, when the rubbish on the street is extra disgusting and the perverts seem to be out in force. But the news this morning has tipped me over the edge. This gentleman, General Sisi, the one who is actually running the country, contrary to what the international media may say, has called for mass protests on Friday and that’s just about the last straw.


Look at him, just look at him, dark sunglasses probably fake, stay pressed form fitting uniform, multiple shiny medals, extra large highly peaked hat, all he is missing is one of those horsetail things you wave around and use to swat the flies off, ideally in a leopard print design. This guy is for real, he is not some Borat spoof in the style of “Dictator” he is the face of the continuing revolution, oh my. This country is obsessed with dates, we have places called 6th October, 15th May, 10th Ramadan, 26th July etc etc. We had the day off yesterday for 23rd July Revolution day. January 25th is also policemans day, or revolution day 2011, and I’m sure 30th June next year will be yet another revolution day 2013…

How about we have a real revolution day, you know try something different and call for everyone to go to work and actually do what they are paid to do for a full 8hours. How about the tea breaks, smoke breaks, ablutions breaks, prayer breaks, dinner breaks are all counted as time not working and deducted from their salaries. How about they don’t surf the Internet, call their mates, or blame the traffic for being late. I reckon they would need to turn up to work at 6am and stay until midnight to actually squeeze in an 8 hour working day, and even then it probably wouldn’t be productive.

What are they going to do on Friday, here’s what. They are going to walk ….then they are going to sit, cos they are really good at that, then they will eat Iftar and then the blood will flow once it’s dark. It will carry on through the night, each side will blame the other then your man above will step in and issue a state of emergency. Maybe not this weekend, but its coming, then we will have a curfew and even less work will get done, and repeat, and repeat…..

This is just my take but the pro Morsi sit-ins are really bugging Mr Sisi above there. They are getting lots of international coverage, I guess thats to counteract the complete blanket on coverage here and the MB PR team have really stepped up their game. They have told the protesters to lose their Al Qaeda flags and replaced them with brand spanking new ones in English, much more media friendly. They are meant to say Morsi is our president but “P” and “B” are interchangeable for Egyptians so quite a few say Morsi is our Bresident. They are not too hot on the spelling of Obama either


I think there will be a massive turnout in support of General Sisi, apart from the fact that the vast majority of Egyptians think he is fabulous, his PR guy Ahmed Ali is hot. The females of the population are fawning over his good looks and creating Facebook appreciation pages. The whole country has a teenage mentality, hero worshipping this guy. Here he is, judge for yourself, personally I think his hair cannot possibly be that black, and there appears to be a severe lack of a monobrow which we all know is standard for all Egyptian males. I suspect tweezers or possibly some wax in his pocket…


Maybe the real reason they want to break up the MB sit In is because they are jealous. Now why could they possibly be jealous? Well that’s easy peasy because the MB ladies have been asking if it’s time for Sexual Jihad yet? Basically the kindly ladies want to know if it’s time for supplying the males with sexual favours to “keep them motivated” in their quest against the infidels. Who dreamed up this crazy idea?

My guess is it was a bunch of goofy ugly blokes who thought they would put forward their dream scenarios cooked up down some side street under the influence of some rather special hashish and gauge the reaction. Obviously everyone else at the time was stoned and replied with a “hey bro I think you’re on to something there” and there we have it, let’s roll with this, it’s time for some sexual healing.


Yes ok ok I know this is probably a load of crap, and No there are no tours offering this all inclusive package to lusty males but it has been in all the papers, everyday this week. Oh, and Angel Gabriel apparently appeared too, not sure if he was giving his blessing or having a coronary, but this is the mentality you are up against, there is no fecking hope for this country, none at all.

General Sisi has called for this protest, the MB have called for their guys to turn out too, This ain’t going to end well. I really don’t get the Sisi call out, he is in charge, what’s he trying to prove? He is like a Billy no mates shouting I’ve got more friends than you have……you need to picture that in an annoying sing song voice, no you don’t, yes i do, no you don’t………………….or, if I was rude, my dicks bigger than your dick, obviously I wouldn’t be that rude. That’s me I’m done, time to go, I’m outta here.

Masalama , Slainte