Anyone for a Cupcake?

Well, January the first has been and gone, but in my repeating groundhog day existence I am stuck on what appears to be April 1st. In an ever spiralling alternative reality I am constantly overcome with a desire to pinch myself. For the last week or so Egypt has ….. Outdone itself…..You couldn’t make it up, if it was a movie plot it would be canned by the critics for being too far fetched, sadly the looneys have taken over the asylum.

We have had a puppet investigated for …well treason i think, its accused of sending subliminal messages to the Muslim Brotherhood, via a Vodafone Ad….to say that’s embarrassing for all sane Egyptians is an understatement. The international media picked up on it, must have been a slow news day, and although it didn’t make the cover of Time magazine it did make the inside pages, this is truly cringe worthy stuff.

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The “snitch” hotline is now up and running for all loyal citizens to report Muslim brotherhood members or sympathisers. Anyone putting up “Vote NO” posters for the upcoming “democratic” referendum will also be arrested, I’m not sure they get the either, or, option that a referendum entails. This hotline is most definitely open to abuse, any weary husband or wife or basically anyone with a grudge, simply needs to slip a Rabaa sign near the vicinity of the suspect, make the call and voila they are gone.

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The referendum will be policed by the army. The very sexy….well in some eyes, there is no accounting for taste, army spokesman Ahmed Ali posted pictures to their Facebook page showing the new gear they have acquired for the event. Yip, the ones in red with a ninja look about them, or maybe they are more Power Rangers… should make us all feel very safe. The outfits remind me of the Olympics when the National team turned up in fake Nike kit, or maybe it was Adidas, anyway someone is having a laugh here, the supplier being my number one suspect.

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Some of our friends have been evacuated again as a precaution in case there is any trouble during the voting process. I’ve lost count of the amount of times they’ve been evacuated, happy to say the hubby’s company seems to be oblivious to any upcoming trouble so we are staying put. I’m more concerned with the fact the ring road will be closed for maintenance thereby curtailing the Hubby’s golfing plans and leaving him at home with me…..

Just when we thought the whole “Egypt as a laughing stock” was dying down some bloody tourist in Hurghada reported seeing UFOs…..that’s now being investigated too. I imagine the outcome of the inquiry will be that Mossad is responsible, rather in the way that the sharks last year were MOSSAD agents seeking to undermine Egypts tourism industry by attacking tourists. Or, maybe they will be accredited to HAMAS carrying out reconnaissance for the brotherhood, who knows.

I live in the hope that someone will step up to the mark and make a rousing speech something along the lines of “OK people, time to catch yourselves on, get a grip, all these conspiracy theories, undercover agents, spy’s are a figment of your imagination, it’s embarrassing, more bizarre than even the absurd plot lines in a John Grisham novel” yeah well, I doubt there is anyone out there who could sway the SiSi love fest, oh and Yes he will be the next president, most definitely.

I’m going to keep my head down, tape my mouth shut too, oh and ideally wear only coats with deep pockets for fear of my foreign fingers getting me into bother. I will smile nicely at all the pervert policemen and soldiers who are now the flavour of the month and quietly wait until the referendum passes, which it will. It took 2 and 1/2 years from Mubarak being deposed until Morsi suffered the same fate, how long will Sisi last….I’m thinking we are in for the long haul.

There is a little kick back against all this nationalist fervour, it just depends which bakery you use, these delicious looking cupcakes are in support of @alaa who is once again in jail, as he has been under every regime, Mubarak, SCAF, Morsi, and now., (I’m not quite sure what to call the “now” period because it most definitely wasn’t a coup) The other logo is the “No to Military Trials” graphic, but I’m not sure cupcakes as a form of resistance is gong to make much difference….I won’t be buying any just in case..

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Slainte, Masalama, Bye

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Spy Catchers

I’m a big fan of David Baldacci the author, I love his books. They all centre around conspiracy theories, spies, intrigue, murder and state sponsored subterfuge. Right now I feel like I’m living in one of his novels. Its probably not such a good idea to live around the corner from road 9 police station. As I nip out for my milk, a loaf and 40 fags i can spot the plain clothed policemen with their baggy shirts not so discreetly hiding bulges. It’s pointless anyway, the casually dangling machine gun gives them away. I am surrounded by masses of undercover agents, all on steroids and with the paranoia of methamphetamine addicts.

It’s common knowledge that Egyptians are rather fond of their drugs, prescription or otherwise, but at the minute I think the whole country is in the grip of the “Heebie, Jeebies” The fact that they arrested a stork last week, yes that’s right a stork, is just the latest episode in this surreal version of Egypt’s cold war. “Spy Duck” screamed the headlines from every state sponsored newspaper, yip, they couldn’t even get the species right but hey the education system here is rather lacking.

Anyway, the spy duck was found in Fayoum with an electronic device attached to its leg, some loyal citizen then duly handed it over to the police. The fact that it was taken into custody, held under the prevention of terrorism act, investigated, interrogated….(how did they do that?) and eventually released once it’s alibi checked out is severe cause for alarm. A tracking device monitoring global migratory patterns was never considered, and sadly, the poor stork is now dead. It was found in Sinai a couple of days ago where quite possibly it committed suicide as a result of having flashbacks of its time spent incarcerated.

This is not a spoof, google it, not only does this country have no common sense whatsoever but your average guy on the street has no problem defending the actions of the state. They are completely brain washed to believe that the world in general, America in particular, wants to to pillage and plunder Egypt and it’s people. Eh, NO, your average rancher in Texas, or publican in Ireland would be hard pressed to find Egypt on a map, actually quite a few politicians and news outlets would be hard pressed too….

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Egypt, get over yourselves. Everyone is much more concerned about Manchester United without Alex Ferguson, and the new X Factor line up.

I think I’ve worked out where this self absorption comes from, and at the risk of losing all my male Egyptian readers, quite possibly all male readers I’m going to go for it. Egypt is a patriarchal society, being born a male automatically elevates you above 50% of the population, yip, all the women. Never mind if you are completely thick, incapable of any form of reasoning, quite possibly incapable of wiping your own arse, by the sheer chance of being born a male you are already “better” than 50% of the population. If you are a first born male in your household I’d elevate that percentage to 75%.

The males of this nation are brought up to believe they are simply fabulous. At this stage I’d have to rest some of the blame on their mothers ( I will have no readers left) for they perpetuate the stereotype by hero worshipping them from day one. It doesn’t matter if they are lazy wee shits, obnoxious and quite often truly pathetic individuals they will be surrounded by “enablers” who reinforce their narcissistic complex. They are the centre of the world and unfortunately this carries through to the nation as a whole.

In theory the world at large should aspire to take over Egypt. The ancient monuments, the history the truly awesome climate are unprecedented elsewhere. But let’s get real. Egypt is a shit hole. The whole country is about to implode, or at the very least collapse, it’s simply unsustainable. When we came here the population was growing by 1 million every 9 months, which was pretty scary but the latest figures now show its 1 million every 6 months. There is not enough water, electricity, roads and more importantly jobs to sustain this. Birth control anyone?

Sorry, I got side tracked there, rant over and back to spies, foreign fingers, hidden hands and general paranoia. Let’s move on to general Sisi…I am rather wary of addressing this topic and following the reaction of my driver when I made some rather derogatory comments regarding the gentleman I may already be on the spy catchers radar. I’ve definitely been here too long as yes, I actually believe I may have been reported under some vague paragraph of the emergency law that allows for arresting blonde female expats for voicing their opinion. :Subsection CC perhaps..

I think it’s probably safer to leave you with a little photograph collection to give you the gist of the undying love felt by the Egyptian people for Mr Sisi……….

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