Dear Mr President

The elections are finally over, phew, i wish all Egyptians well in what is sure to be a rocky road ahead. Now it’s time to get down to the nitty gritty, what does Morsi’s victory mean to us expats?

Having spent the last day or so perusing the chat forums and talking to some seriously concerned people I have a list of questions I would like to put to the new president. 

Dear Mr President,

What are your plans for increasing the frequency of the delivery of weetabix?  Recently we have had periods of only having the “minibix fruit and nut” variety, which quite frankly is not the same for a purist fan such as myself.

Your opponent Mr Shafiq promised to sort out Cairo’s traffic problems within 24hours of being elected, what is your timeframe? It’s vital to know as I have an appointment for a cut, blow dry, manicure and pedicure on the 29th June and will be traveling to Dokki from Katemaya via the ring road. Will you have eradicated all microbuses by this date?

There are rumors circulating that you will be introducing a new fashion line for this Autumn/fall. I am keen to stay ahead of the pack, and whilst Paris and New York are running with a continuation of the zangy Citrus colors of this season could you confirm that you will be launching  a “black is the new black” line? 

There have been mentions in the media that you will be undertaking a review of the drinks industry. Could I just say that it’s not before time, if I could be so bold as to suggest that you prioritize “Gin” the local Butlers variety is very poor. My personal preference is for Bombay Sapphire but being restricted to 4 bottles per month from duty free is obviously not enough. The Egyptians are excellent at copying imported products if they turned their attention to Gin it would undoubtedly create much needed jobs.

Sorry to ask a second fashion related question, but my maid has just mentioned that hemlines will be “maxi” for the coming season, not that I take fashion advice from my maid you understand, but she can read the fashion supplement in the local press. I’m heading to London shortly to purchase my autumn collection so I’m assuming that black, and maxi length are the way to go?

 Will you be going with a plunging neck line, or a bare back to off set, what would otherwise, be a column of black.? I may buy some of each variety as I don’t want to look like those strange people I see daily travelling on the micro buses, hopefully they will disappear too once the traffic problem is worked out.

With regards to the men, my husband has some concerns regarding appropriate beard length. He has (rather fortunately in my opinion) not been endowed with hair follicles that generate much growth. He appreciates that this season he will not be his usual trend setting self so could you give me a heads up as to what you have in mind for your Spring styles?

I know you will be moving into your palace shortly but I should point out that I am a neighbor of yours on road 90. Your opponent Mr Shafiq hailed from Katemaya, rather over rated in my opinion, so last year, so it’s good to see that you share my thoughts. I am hoping that your presidential guard will still be around once you move? I feel they set the proper tone for the neighborhood with their rather fetching red berets. Could I suggest you add a few females to the ranks as they have taken to lying on the grass together in what is surely a display of sexual frustration.

Can you advise on the opening date for Cairo Festival City? It’s ridiculous that we have to survive without M&S ready meals and their underwear department. I realize that Cairo does have an over supply of underwear shops, and whilst I have ample supplies of corsets, and other items from their raunchier collections (their whip selection is second to none) I am in need of some decent “holder inners” that M&S do so well.

Kind Regards

Mairead (your neighbor)

PS maybe we can get together for a BBQ, I have an excellent suckling pig I have been saving for just such an occasion, you don’t need to bring a bottle i have plenty, but now you are in power maybe you can pull some strings and improve the supply of Dorito’s and dips as my book club experience serious difficulties when we are asked to “bring some nibbles”

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5 thoughts on “Dear Mr President

  1. Hamish Esslemont says:

    Excellent piece ( again ) Mairead, however, I feel you should have addressed your questions to those who will ultimately make the decisions on all your issues raised ………………..SCAF ?!!!

    Hamish

    PS : I am available for any BBQ involving suckling pigs ?!

  2. This is such a funny post!! Well done. I was an expat in Cairo back in 2001/2002, and yet everything you said rings true for me. We often wonder what the political situation will bring to life in Cairo now, and wish you the best of luck – although with such a sense of humour I’m sure you’ll be just fine!!

  3. Gillian says:

    This post is hilarious. I am moving to Cairo tomorrow for work, and this cheered me up because so many blogs seem very frightening. Can you recommend any good bars for an Irish woman travelling alone in Cairo?

  4. Amanda says:

    This one was hilarious! I am moving to Alexandria in a month and I just bought some maxi length skirts and lots of long sleeves!

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