Beer or Tea?

Ok, I know as you get older your views change. Some say you mellow out but that’s a load of namby-pamby twaddle.  Personally  I think I’m developing a Victor Meldrew persona, or at least the female equivalent ………….. Yes I’m a crooked old woman. Its been  steadily creeping up on me over the last few years.  My tolerance level has gone to pot, and I have to say the main instigators in this simmering cauldron of irritations are shapeless individuals and their non-existent dress sense.

There are bits hanging out all over the place and it’s really not a good look,  there are some sights best left to the imagination. I’m heading back to Ireland next week and feel the need to psych myself up to deal with the mountains of flesh that are sure to be on display. Cleavages, cellulite, thick ankles, muffin tops, not forgetting the obligatory bingo wings, and that’s just the men.!

I am cushioned from this extravaganza of personal showmanship by living in Cairo. They should list it in the guide books as a positive phenomena for Egypt………” NO WOBBLY WASTERS ” has a subtle ring to it. However, Sharm el Sheik is in Egypt and there is way too much flesh on display there too. Although I have to say what’s on display in Sharm seems to be rather more toned and sun kissed, which can altogether change my perception, especially if it belongs to a certain Welsh diving instructor……….. I digress for contemplating that picture in my head could lead me in a different direction entirely.

Back to the wobbly bits. I must admit I’m guilty too. Most mornings I head out on the school run with my itsy bitsy  Jammie bottom shorts and not much else. I live in fear of having an accident, for although I always find time to pack my phone and cigarettes (absolute necessities) I rarely find time to throw on something more appropriate. It’s a bad habit but at least I’m not inflicting this early morning vision upon anyone other than family members, the blacked out car windows work a treat.

I used to do it back in Portadown too, but that outfit consisted of a thick flannelette Primark  number topped with a very fetching dressing gown and possibly a puffa jacket on top. Therein lies the problem you see, once the sun comes out everyone and their granny feels the need to top up on their vitamin D deficiency to the detriment of onlookers.

My biggest gripe is with those ridiculous cut-offs that an alarming percentage of middle aged men adopt once it starts to heat up. I really detest these monstrosities particularly the pseudo sporty ones made out of some faux breathable nylon and topped off with the go faster stripes. What is the point? Do they really think that by exposing those couple of inches of flesh between shin and sock line its going to make any difference to their comfort level. Put on a pair of shorts, knee length please and ditch those socks especially if your wearing sandals. 

Men in sandals just reminds me of teachers on walking holidays (yes those dreary teachers again, well they are so bloody pious, who else has time to do that)   in fact men in sandals with or with out socks should be out-lawed full stop. If it’s that hot put on a pair of flip flops and if not stick with the trainers for the sandals generally look like some orthopedic correction instrument. Who designs these things? they should come with built in sockets for the amount of unnecessary straps and buckles attached make them look like they should be plugged into something electric, sending the wearer a shock to wake them up to the fact they look like twats.

There is one exception where I will permit men in 3/4 length trousers and that’s only applicable if they are wearing those fabulous white 3/4 length galabayas and matching trousers. It is a very cool look, starched and pressed to within an inch of it’s life, it’s simply chic, although not if worn in conjunction with black socks and brown sandals which unfortunately seems to be par for the course.

On to the shapelessness. Egypt is a predominantly Muslim country and one benefit of this is the lack of beer bellies on display, among the locals anyway, the expats manage to grow them especially well. At the risk of being accused of vast generalization Egyptians are a very good looking nation, well they are, but only if you focus on the working classes. Once they get a few quid and a car it all falls apart.

You see even if you are stuck at a desk in say the UK chances are you have duties to attend to around the home front. Getting the lawnmower out of a weekend, washing the car, trimming the hedges, even carrying your own shopping are normal everyday activities. You may even go for a run, cycle, or walk the dog on a regular basis, but this doesn’t  happen here, not at all. You most probably won’t have a dog, and there is no way you are going for a run or a cycle, apart from the dangerous road situation it’s simply too hot. (Some of them go to the gym to avoid the heat which results in the gym bunny look which Perplexes me and I  find it  weirdly camp, especially when combined with the bicep enhancing tee shirts)   If you can afford a garden then you will have a gardener, probably a maid and if you have a car someone will carry your groceries out to it, quite often these monied men will have no physical exercise at all.

This results in shapeless men with no muscle tone, for although they may not indulge in a few pints and six packs of chilli pea nuts they do love their sweet tea and pastries. Both groups, the beer drinkers and tea drinkers probably consume similar amounts of calories but what fascinates me is the differing shapes that result. The beer drinkers you can picture, pot bellies with jeans in a size 34 dangerously hovering around their crotch as they can’t get them up any higher. They have been a size 34 since their teenage years and seem determined to remain so, unfortunately this also results in the builders bum being on display during any bending movements.

But the tea drinkers acquire an all over layer of body fat. I have never witnessed so many wobbly bits and man boobs (I think the beer drinker brigade have these too but the belly seems to offer some support.) I have yet to decide which shape is the least attractive but as the tea drinkers have no belly in the way it results in their trousers being hoisted up to dangerously high levels, and again we are  back to the three quarter length trousers. Help me out with my decision, take the poll.


One thought on “Beer or Tea?

  1. A Certain Mr Ford says:

    Left feeling a bit paranoid after this post Mairead.

    I know I was mentioned by name in a previous post but feel I could be featured ‘in spirit’ throughout this particular one. I’m just glad the Gino’s situation was not used to illustrate your point!

    “Just because you are paranoid, doesn’t mean they are not all out to get you”

    Lovin it – keep it up.

    See you next week. Getting the wife beater vest ironed and ready… where did I put those sandals?

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