Top Gear in Egypt?

I love Jeremy Clarkson. There I’ve said it. He may be a sexist, shapeless big lump of slobbering manhood, working his way through an extended mid life crisis, but there is something about his wit and charm that makes me go weak at the knees, It’s pathetic really I know. So after a few too many glasses of fine Egyptian wine oxymoron, yes,  I had a thought …… could I wangle him out to Egypt?

The seed for this bright idea was planted when a lovely lady whom I’ve yet to meet, called Janet Spence commented on my “wing mirror options” piece, she very astutely thought Jeremy Clarkson would like my views on the dubious need for wing mirrors and their much more interesting alternative uses, and so the idea was born. 

I am proposing writing an invitation to Mr Clarkson and the top Gear team ( well I wouldn’t want him to think he was on to a sure thing, he could bring the others as cover) inviting him to film an episode, it may go straight to DAVE or some other dodgy channel but hey I’m not fussy. 

I would need some help on the plot lines or whatever they are called… is Des Henderson available? Anyway there is no point in bringing in fancy supercharged cars launched this year or even in the last century as the roads would prove rather challenging for anything less than a four by four.   So here goes, this is what I propose…..

All three presenters Jeremy, that May boy with the ridiculous hair,  and the wee one whose name I can never remember ( well he is about 5 foot and so doesn’t even reach my radar, although the teeth give Simon Cowell a run for his money, hamster or something similar I think) should be set a challenge. 

All three would have to drive a public hire vehicle for the day, the one who collected the most fares would win, simple really. Now… In my minds eye I see Jeremy in a black and white taxi. Now for those of you not having the luck to live in this fascinating metropolis that is Cairo I will clarify the reasons.

 These taxis are on average 35 years old, predominantly peugots, not sure which particular design, or indeed if it was ever registered outside Cairo. They have no air conditioning in 40 degree heat, a substantial amount have windows, although not all. The wind up window mechanism is generally operated by a set of pliers freely available from the driver upon request.  Most don’t have floors and you have to place your feet delicately to either side of the Footwell to avoid losing your flip flops. 

It goes without saying  they don’t have wing mirrors or any functioning lights as these were obviously optional extras in the original design. Oh…and they run on gas cylinders which take up the whole of the boot space, but they all have fabulous furry dashboards, yes you read that correctly not furry dice, furry dashboards. Apparently it saves on cleaning time, oh I don’t know… you would need a Dyson to suck out the creatures within but hey who am I to say.
The Hamster could drive the microbus. These are specially adapted minibuses that are super slim to fit through teeny tiny gaps in the traffic, although I may be under selling them as even inspector gadget couldn’t pull off some of the moves they achieve. Their most important “extra” is their horns, for without the constant honking they couldn’t function. I think this form of transportation would appeal to the Hamster as he must have small man syndrome which he could compensate for with a loud personally designed horn……the Benny Hill theme tune appeals but I’m open to suggestions.

As for Mr May…well obviously he will be leading the charge with the white pick up. He strikes me as a white van man, (pay attention Mr Brisbane and Rowe) as they are the safer and more sedate option. Most are Chevrolets,  but, as you can logo it up to suit your own requirements Chav-mo-biles  is an option I’m fond of. When I say safer you must bear in mind that 47 guys in the back, roof, tailgate, and hubcaps of a pick up means seat belts are strictly an optional extra. Baby seats have yet to reach Egypt but the pickups on the school run (yes these are used as school buses) are generally fitted with brakes as a concession to road safety. 

I just need to pull this all together to create an invite they can’t refuse. It doesn’t need to make sense, they never do,  but there has to be an episode in there somewhere. Apparently  there is some widget thing I can attach to this to take a poll but seeing as the hubby (Pete ) is at the Golf …yeah right… that is not going to happen so leave your comments for now.


8 thoughts on “Top Gear in Egypt?

  1. Janet Spence says:

    Oh god, I’m cryin laughing !! I can see the xmas special DVD on Tesco’s shelves already!!

  2. Angela Brown says:

    I am a good friend of Janet and an avid fan of the fore mentioned Mr Clarkson,( and quite like the 5 ft hamster), i would love to help out in anyway to make this happen. We should pettition the BBC with your idea and Maybe just Maybe get The STIG involved in the action too. Maired Hoey you are a genius……

  3. jean says:

    i think this is a spectacular idea. Only would make a suggestion or 2…have the little guy drive around in either a Vespa (since he a motorcycle enthusiast)…but he has to have a pregnant woman and a sheep on board.
    or he has to drive a tuk tuk….which all seem to have at least 5 side mirrors, and they never use any of them.
    am a HUGE Clarkson fan and am currently on book 3, and laugh like an idiot at his stuff.
    thanks for the giggle today !

  4. maireadhoey says:

    I don’t know who to address first….for there is not one of you with any sense…but Jeans idea about the Vespa, pregnant woman and a sheep really appeals, I fear I have missed a trick and will have to re-apply to the BBC

    Thanks for reading


  5. Margaret says:

    Well not too long ago Top Gear did a round of Iraq, Syria and ending in Israel (Bethleham) Maybe you could convince them to a Revolutionary Road special, Tunisia, Libya and Egypt.

  6. alexandrian in england says:

    Tunisia Libya Egypt for the win! Just driving around Egypt is enough of a challenge in my opinion. let’s say whoever can make it across cairo without using the ring road within 3 hours wins? or take rural roads from alexandria to aswan? its a beautifully interesting country with a hilariously dangerous driving style, i believe the worst accident rate in the world per vehicle! 😦 sad but interesting television

  7. Egyptian kid says:

    i am an Egyptian and i am currently laughing at this XD
    almost half of the things you said about Egypt’s traffic are correct!
    And i agree with “alexandrian in england” because driving in El-haram road or fesal is just plain torture that many Egyptians take the ring road, it’s longer but it’s less occupied
    Here is Egypt’s traffic from the POV of a 14 years old Egyptian
    1. traffic lights are RARE, literally.
    2. to reach from the beginning to the end of the 7 km long el-haram road on a normal day traffic it would take about an hour.
    3. if you drive a brand like a ferrari or lambourgini in this country then you are an idiot….the amount of bumps in egypt roads would eventually finish off the bumper and/or the gearbox.
    4. the amount of car accidents in cairo-alexandia desert road are stupidly high.
    5. microbus drivers….what can i say….just stay away from them.

    a Foreigner driving in Egypt without proper driving egyptian style training? i look forward to see that episode :3

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